Beat Dad.

Gray Matter

2010-01-24T10:42:00.001-08:00

I have spent most of my morning perusing the Mormon and Ex-Mormon Blogshpere. I started at Main Street Plaza and and followed the links located in Sunday in outer blogness.

I had significant thoughts about everything I read and wanted to comment, I did not comment because my thoughts were way to complex for my writing skill level. ugh.......

This post lead to my train of thought. So, an L.D.S. woman is trying to cope with her husband disillusion with the church. The husband is an otherwise good guy, his only fault it seems or at least the fault being discussed is that the has come to the conclusion that the whole L.D.S. thing is a sham and can no longer tolerate participating.

Well, maybe it is a sham or maybe it isn't. I am not going to try proving or disproving that. What I am most interested in is, is the social climate that lends to members leaving the church and their spouses hoping and praying that they may return to the truth.

Truth it seems is a black and white issue, there is no in between and there does not seem to be any room for having faith in the myth. Honestly, many have a hard time with myths, Mormons are not excluded from the shift from symbolic thinking to realist thinking. From my experience in Mormonism I guess that most Mormons don't consider any of the Biblical stories, NT stories, Book of Mormon or the Joseph Smiths vision as Myth or Metaphor. If it didn't happen then how can you faith. It is this mindset that makes it easy to leave the church. If the Church is not meeting your needs all you have to do is stop believing that Joseph Smith was visited by God and the entire Church becomes irrelevant.

Leaving at that point is easy if one does not have emotional ties, marriage is full of those. I have not run into many former Mormons who would willingly give up their families over a philosophical split. Though, I imagine it must be awkward to try to pursue ones religious convictions with the knowledge that your spouse might think your mind as been clouded by Satan, the love one has must overrule any awkwardness.

How about a little gray area?
Is is impossible for a doubting member to conclude that the "restored church" is really just metaphor, or the for the TBM spouse to conclude that there are other valid paths and "my spouse is no longer on my path and that's ok" Or is there no room for a faithful member to have doubt?
I can't help thinking, that if the Church were more accepting of divergent views and a certain amount of dissent, many of the people who have left the church might have stayed.

Why I'm not an Atheist.

2010-01-05T21:38:00.000-08:00

Here I am going to try to explain something that I don't completely understand, that is explain a philosophy, which I have very little to no formal language or training; all I have is direct experience. Direct as in actual physical experience not some kind of...Idea stew....like beef stew: chunks of ideas in a thick broth, with diced carrots and onions.
I do have snippets of philosophy of Religion, and Eastern Philosophy, these have only given me a way to think about what I experience and are not to be confused with actual experience.

When I was a young Mormon, I had this very concrete idea of what and who God is. I don't doubt that that idea was fed by Mormon teachings, God is this very old man who sits on a throne making edicts and sending angels to earth. He sits up there making spirit children, he as a very large book with names in it and a series of boxes with all right acts and sin listed there for checking off and scoring on judgment day; as I got older God became much more complex. The big accounting book went away, but suddenly God did not just include as his chosen, Mormons who were married in the Temple but anyone who was good. ( Like Scrooge at the end of "A Christmas Carol")

God became even more complex as I learned the theory of evolution in school; not so hard that one. I assumed it was part of Gods plan, he is powerful enough, why the heck not. Dinosaurs, no problem, everything was put on earth for some reason; humans evolved from a Chimp like common ancestor; like I said God is powerful.

Then, I found out about other religions, religions that did not have "the God" (the God I like to call the God of Abraham.) they have other Gods, one religion could have several. To me this seemed wrong, but as I looked at these other Religions I realized that they had truth, they taught their members to do good also. So, my God expanded to include these other religions. This is the way it worked in my head: God had these messages he sent down to humanity, then humanity interpreted these messages in the ways that made sense to them. It's a little like the Mormon teachings on revelation; even more like telephone.

At some point, I got into Hinduism; the idea of Brahman and all the different archetypes, or human manifestations of Brahman. Krishna, Shiva, Kali etc. (correct me if I'm wrong) And I started reading about the Tao, etc. So then the idea of God became one of, simply put, a force rather than a being. (more like the Force). Not only do I find this idea to be much more logical than the idea of a guy sitting on a throne deciding who gets to go to heaven and who doesn't but I have no problem believing that such a force exists. The only evidence I need is the movements of my hands, my sons beating heart, the tree outside my window, Glenn Beck, the fungus under my toenail. etc.

In reality the argument over god or no god, is sort of irrelevant I mean even if I decide I believe or don't I still have to take out the trash, I still have to eat and have a job.

Besides, I sometimes like to think that myths might be true, that is a part of my mind I don't want to kill off.

Plus, I really can't stand labels...those are for tombstones.

Charlies game.

2009-12-27T22:13:00.000-08:00

We were taking a rather long trip, the almost four year old and I, when out of boredom he came up with this game: "daddy, what is one plus one"
Me: "two"
Him: "daddy, what is x plus x"
Me: "2x"
Him:"daddy, what is zebra plus zebra plus zebra"
Me: "3zebra"
This went on for several minutes, each time using different animals, people, numbers and objects. For every answer I gave him he let out a shriek and a giggle as if it was the silliest thing he had heard of.

Wrath of god

2009-10-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been experiencing the joy of trying to figure out how to properly raise a 13 year old boy.

Let me rephrase that, trying to take care of my 13 yo, discipline even, in an effective manner. Number one son , Has been no stranger to trouble recently. (nothing really serious) but enough for me to wish I could whisk him off to a Zen monastery for a year or two, so I don't have to be a disciplinarian.

Naturally, my frustration with him (and myself) has led me to reflect on how I was at that age, and I can't remember in great detail. What I do remember is that church was very important to me, especially my position in the Preisthood. (at thirteen I must have been a Deacon?) I was intent on not doing anything to jeopardize my duties (listening to rather aggressive music was my only vice back then) I also, deeply believed that God saw everything so, I was pretty straight.

The way I learned morality and the way I am currently doling it out to my son are both quite different, the differences are enough that I am having difficulty with it. My parents had God to back up their actions, they never abused their position, but I knew that if I did not obey that God would have the last word. In my house the kids get time outs, or stuff taken away but we are the final authority. This becomes an issue when they start to see that even we can't really enforce everything. My son figured that out when he was grounded a couple of weeks ago; yes he could walk away from me and " no I won't chase you down and force you to stay."
His punishment depended on his agreement to see it through, which depends on him caring about how we see him and him admitting that he did something which is unacceptable.

This is where I think religion looks useful. When you go to church as a kid, you get taught not just a set of beliefs and practices but you get a whole community that tries to live those beliefs and practices. Kids are not just getting morality from their parents but from a larger community. My son is not part of a group of people who are trying to clarify some set of rules.

"Ooouch Charlie bit me...that really hurts Charlie"

2009-07-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

Number two son and I took a bike ride the other day to the Saturday market. As we left the market, after looking at ripe tomatoes, buying a pint of cherries, NTS started screaming. As several people looked on I stopped and rushed to the bike trailer as he yelled ouch ouch.

"Whats wrong" I asked, "are you okay?"

"Ouch ouch, Charlie bit me" he replied, in his best English accent.

I sighed after I got back on my bike and said, rather loudly, " you are fine"

I rode home through town with him still screaming, over and over "Charlie bit me, Charlie bit me, that really hurts Charlie."

And I just ignored him.

2009-06-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the porch swing with the two younger ones enjoying burrito's and the sunny weather when an older couple, wearing their Sunday best approached us. It should have been obvious to me what their intent was as they walked down my driveway with Bibles in hand.

I could have asked them to state their business and go, or "let us enjoy our afternoon snack and respectfully keep your religious views to yourselves." I am a sucker for conversations about religion, especially with people who are not relativists but see god and the Bible as infallible and absolute.

"Do you read the Bible?" I was asked. "Well I have looked at it. I am a Zen Buddhist and the Bible is not a text we use" I replied. This comment was to be a, not so subtle, hint to them that maybe they should not waste their time with me.

To their credit they stayed on message and I forgot mine.

"Are you afraid of the end of the world?"

When I was eight years old I would have answered yes. I also would have answered yes when I was seventeen. Now, this question only perplexed me, how can I answer this? I was dumbstruck. Before I could answer, I was informed that God would protect us and we had nothing to fear, but we had to believe in god in order to escape fear, oh yes and we must read the Bible.

I finally replied that I was not concerned about the worlds end. And that the only things I was concerned about were finishing my burrito and studying for finals. And that fear, other than its practical uses, was not a factor in my "spiritual" (I still don't really know what that word means) life. In other words if I were to embrace Christianity it would not be out of fear of being excluded from heaven or going to hell.

After they left, this idea of fear lingered with me and has left me with questions. I was left wondering if fear does factor into my reasons to continue with Zen.

So, what am I afraid of? Well, looking dumb is way up there, (see this post.) I want to look smart and appear mature. (see this post) I want be the one dispensing answers to all others quandaries regardless of how little I actually know. ( I am positive that this quirk is quite annoying to those closest to me) I am afraid of Karma, I am not sure how I feel about this teaching, I have not fully embraced it nor have I been able to embrace the idea that there is no way of knowing what happens after death. The biggest fear I have though is of going through life without having lived it, I am not sure that even Zen can cure this one but it keeps me practicing.

Zen also has done little to assure me that concrete answers exist for anything.

Zen and the Art of Escape.

2009-06-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

When your 13 year old son comes home from school in the middle of the day, you want it to be for a good reason. When he stops you while you are busy trimming a hedge and you are having one of those pleasant mornings with your youngest child, you want whatever caused him to leave school to be merely due to an over reaction. When you respond to him and he falls into your arms and starts to sob, you want to find the person who caused this and demand to know why? why would you cause this harmless child to have to limp home and sob on his fathers shoulder.

You want to defend him, cure him, ease whatever pain it is which has caused him to tremble. You want to find who is responsible and make things right; you want to show him that you have control, like you did when he was a toddler and he skinned his knee. When you find that your son is the cause of his pain you, naturally, want to know who pushed him to do what he did. You want that other child punished, you want the school to do something to keep your kid out of trouble.

You want the other kids parent to call you up and yell at you, while you stay calm...just to show who the better person is. You want to tell him, that "my son was just defending himself" and if his kid had any self-control or respect for others he would not be bleeding. You don't want your son to be the responsible one. (the other parent never calls)

When your child comes home in the middle of the day, interrupts your day, starts sobbing in your arms- you give him a glass of water, you hold him, tell him you love him--you want to be upset---you want it to be simple. When he tells you it was his fault. You want him to see what he did, you want him to apologize, you want him to see how he can change.
, you want things to be normal... you want him to go back to school and have all the other kids like him. You want to blame someone; his mother, his not having many friends during elementary school, his lack of freedom,----you want it to be about him and not you.

You want your day back.

Magic

2009-06-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

I watched my wife work magic this morning. Seriously, it was magic.

See, our three year old is pretty picky about what he wears, for example, he must wear brown shorts and will only wear certain t-shirts.

This morning, being the morn o' laundry, everything he wanted to wear was dirty. As I pulled shirt after shirt from his drawer only to have him reject them, I came to a point and a shirt which I was ready to force onto him if negotiation did not work. This particular shirt is basically a striped t-shirt, the lines are made up of different bugs. " Look! this shirt has bugs on it! isn't that cool! He was mildly interested. I had his attention but not enough to have him put the shirt on. Then my wife got into the act.

"What kinds of bugs are on your shirt?" she said. He quickly identified a spider. She found a beetle. "hey, if you put this on I will read you the poem about Alexander Beetle."
He was skeptical about the shirt at this point but definitely wanted to hear the poem, so she gave him the first line " I found a little Beetle, so that beetle was his name, And I called him Alexander and he answered just the same." He put the shirt on and in no time she was reading to him from A.A. Milne's book.

Had it been me dealing with him, there would have been a struggle, some tears and eventual acceptance of defeat. Usually that means the kid wears the shirt and me being frustrated that he does not see that a shirt is just a shirt...."so put it on." My wife on the other hand, and this by the way is not the first time I have seen her do this type of engagement, actually made him interested in it.

Ahh Spring

2009-05-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

It is really easy to imagine that being a student with kids and a family ( and all that, that implies) is more difficult than being a student without all those responsibilities. How many traditional students (that is opposed to non-traditional undergraduate---meaning over 25, with kids etc.) have their studying interrupted by a phone call from their middle-school kid's principle. (then put off all the studying because the situation really is more important than passing stats) If the statistics are to be believed, not many.

That is not to suggest that trad's ( I am saying this instead of kids) don't experience stress; some take on more than they can handle some become dis-illusion with school. Some do have to work full-time to get through school.

Not to belabor the point, this is not about their issues, this is about mine.

My first two terms were difficult but the classes were really interesting and I managed to pull through with good grades (ah the grail). I did this, while still taking care of the family (doing the ever present laundry) (I have help...but she does not do laundry)

Winter and Fall were great...then Spring hit.
Here is is one of the distractions traditional students don't have, which I do.

Spring by its very nature is distracting for everyone, especially single twenty year old students who are away from home. I know that if I had been in school when I was twenty if I were in a classroom, with windows, during the spring I am sure I would not have heard any of what anyone was saying; not excluding the instructor.

In some ways I was better off, at 19, than the average trad, college student. I worked the dinner shift in a hotel restaurant, full-time. My day's were filled, as were my weekends (often in the middle of the week) , with what I wanted to do. I read what I wanted to read, I listened to what I wanted to listen to, without having to explain myself. I could spend the day hiking as long as I returned home in time to get ready for work.
I spent many a Spring day hiking around the foothills and canyons around Salt Lake City before going off to work.

Now - with a family, a house and a darling wife who gardens (and is a farmer at heart) Springs distractions have nothing to do with hiking then spending an evening sitting at an outdoor table at a cafe or sitting on the grass reading a book of Gary Snyder poems.

This Spring, this term, my weekends do not include time for home work, as they did in the cold and dark days of Fall and Winter terms. No, my time goes to lending my DW a hand with projects in the Garden: digging holes, weeding and planting.

Here , with the direction I am headed, the temptation is to scapegoat my wife. No, the responsibility lies with me. My mind and heart are outside with her, the seedlings, weeds and the compost which needs turning. (And there have been some illicit bike rides by the creek)

Fall and Winter leave plenty of room for working out the symbolism of novels, wrestling with math problems and getting down to the fundamentals of what I am being taught.

When I regain focus in the fall, and I am working hard on some stats or a case study, maybe I will do it while eating some pickled beets we preserved from our harvest.

Middle-aged? man

2009-05-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

I have been dealing with issues of age. Before I started school I thought of myself as being youngish still, of course most of my peers were around my age or older and with some of my friends I was the youngest. (most of the guys in the East bay dads, when I was there, were a good ten years older then me).

I knew when I started that I was older than most of the students but I did not know what it meant and I still carried with me this idea that 38 is not that old. (ha you say tell that to a 20 year old)

One of my class mates commented to me that she knows me as this married guy with kids but found it interesting to imagine me as a 19 year old. I responded with "19...that was not so long ago....omg that was almost 20 years ago!" So, for all you baby boomers who I criticized for still being in the sixties (Yes, I did that when I was 19) I get it now.

My class mate went on. She imagined me, in a way, as most 20 year old college students are, excited about being on their own, learning new things, exploring careers...she even threw in "sort of a hippy."

For me that all happened in reverse order (or is it inverse) Anyway, when I was nineteen I was scared, and depressed about my future and as they say now days "emo." Now, like my younger peers at school, I am wide eyed and hopeful about what my post University future holds. "I was so much older then, I am younger than that now" (thanks mister Dylan)

A Tale of Two Subprime Mortgages

2009-04-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

At least I think they were sub-prime. This is a story of two mortgages which, with income disclosure neither of them would have been granted. The types of mortgage which have in-part have been at the center of the credit crises that brought down our economy. The same mortgages granted by unscrupulous bankers and the like.

In 2002 my wife and I were living in an apartment in Oakland California, we had a little yard in which we planted some food crops and flowers. Our little yard did not get much sun and shared a fence line on the side with some apartments with a Catholic church. The church did not do much in the way of enforcing the rules about who could and could use their lot; it played host to a few noisy parties. One Sunday, after church let out, one such party was going on; that same Sunday we decided to put an offer on a house we were not really thrilled about.

We had decided to look for a house about a month earlier based on the financial advice of a friend. My wife had inherited a little (when I say a little keep in mind that I mean enough to put a down payment on a house and still have some for stocks but not much. Most of it dwindled during the Bush administration) money. The friend suggested that rather than trying to invest the rest we should invest in a house; turns out that this was the best advice; the money which was put into stocks is now next to nothing.

On that Sunday when we became increasingly disenchanted with our apartment we walked past the house we eventually bought and decided to put an offer on it. The next day our Realtor sent my wife to a lender, after looking over my wife's and my incomes she just laughed at her, despite the fairly substantial down payment. We ended up going to someone else who offered us a loan with this great new feature, the loan with no income disclosure, which worked well for us.
Our down payment was large enough that it made the loan significantly less. The payments were high for us but we figured that we would be able to pay as long as my wife's wages went up.
Things did not turn out that way, but it did not matter.

The value of our home went up as the market soared and we sunk more of my wife's savings into needed improvements of the home. Honestly, our first house is in much better shape than when we bought it, the people who own it now got a much better deal than we did. For those years that we owned it we were living on home equity loans, we were living above what we were actually earning. The situation was scary to me because I knew at some point we would have to sell or I would have to start making as much as my wife was. We had to sell before prices started to go down.

We were lucky. We decided in 2005 that we would sell and move to Oregon. Home prices in the S.F. Bay area, even in our little corner of Oakland, were still unreasonably high. In 2006 when we put the house up for sale it was still a sellers market, there were murmurings about prices going down, but places were still selling even with the high prices. We put our place up in July and it sold in August.

This is the place in my story where I come to our second sub-prime mortgage. I don't quite remember what was going on at the time with the mortgage lenders; nothing significant enough to abate the practice of income non-disclosure.

The day we made an offer on our second house our first had not sold; also, we had been in Eugene, renting, for about a month and my wife had not found a job yet. I was not stressed, we had enough money so, that we could rent and being a fairly experienced teacher she would get a job. She would be working by the fall, our house in Oakland would be sold, we could spend a year in Eugene getting to know the place and buy something by the next summer. Even better, by then maybe we would be escaping getting another risky loan; I did not take into account my wife's dream house.

Yes, it is true we found her dream house. (my dream house is actually a VW camper bus; not really enough room for kids.) And we found it before our house sold and before she started her job. The no-income disclosure loan fairly common by this time and our house would be sold by the time we signed the papers. I was still fairly stressed about our situation, mainly that our payments would go up in a couple of years and we would not be able to make them.

We eventually did get into a more secure home loan, one which I hope we will payoff in 30 years.
Our house is worth it and, granted like a lot of people, we are scraping by. It helps that we have the room for a garden which feeds us for most of the year.

I wrote this as a response to all the press about this type of mortgage and the people who have been buying and selling them. Not everyone who offered them were unscrupulous. Not everyone who bought them were trying to hide something.

Flexible

2009-04-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

Over the past six years of being a stay-at-home parent I have heard and read many different views on the stay-at-home dad trend. It's a fad, men don't belong in the home, you should be at work once someone even said to me " personally I don't have anything against stay-at-home dads, but I can't imagine a woman marrying someone who wanted to be a stay-at-home parent. (nothing against stay at home dads...oh yes and I am sexist) I asked him how he imagined I became a father in the first place....he did not have an answer for me. Of course there is also the awkward silence from other parents (yes, I do have a chip on my shoulder about that.) when you are the only guy in the playground or class in the middle of the day.

Really, comments about what I, as man, should be doing besides taking care of my kids full time, are few and far between; they don't affect me much either. Such comments expose the commenter as being insecure about their place and an adherence to societal rules regardless of the circumstances of the person who is the recipient of the comment.

When I decided to take the the raising of youngun's I was not concerned about who would normally be staying home with the kids, I was not worried about fitting into playgroups, or being the odd man out at the park or story time.
No, it really had nothing to do with being on the edge, changing norms or being rebellious. It was a very pragmatic decision. I merely was responding to what was in front of me.

What if

2009-02-23T00:11:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog, I had a vision of it as being the dad version of DOOCE. Well, it is not for many reasons. I could list them all, but that would be so tedious.

As an online journal of my kids growing up, it turns out that I don't write about my kids that much either. They are growing.....they are cute....they are!

Lately, my time online has been taken up by less creative pursuits aka Facebook. I can let everyone I know, know what I am doing with pictures and one line; It lacks something, something I can't quite articulate. Tonight, while avoiding my homework, I happened to read an interview with Pagan Kennedy circa 2001 on Wired I realized what bothers me about Facebook and my own blog; it maybe the entire internet, (I am not sure that I want to cast that wide a net.) They(facebook,my blog, the internet) just seem to lack a certain organic spontenaity. I remember Zines, I even remember Pagan Kennedy's zine from some sort of anthology; what struck me back then was the intense, homemade creativity Zines, especially the one someone hands you after walking out of Kinko's filled with mad scribbled poetry and characatures of Ronald Reagan.

Maybe, I will get around to writing a zine myself in the vein of Pagan's Head; it will be about an almost middle aged psychology undergrad. I will go stand next to the Frogman in front of the Duckstore on 13th and hand it out to all the 20 somethings.

Happy Birthday Number Three

2009-01-03T16:50:00.000-08:00

It was the third child's third birthday yesterday. It is amazing to me how much a kid changes in three years. Not only does he walk but is able to communicate with surprising sophistication. ( I WAAAANNT THAT ONE........no the green one not the blue one)

Anyway, He started going to pre-school, which he will continue doing when Winter quarter starts tomorrow, and enjoyed it for the most part. We both hated drop off time and though he clearly was quite happy being there, was equally happy when I picked him up. Now, he will be in an older class with a more formal educational program. ( I don't know more reading? what the heck do they do in preschool?) I do know that he does not get to wear diapers anymore.

One thing that is obvious to me about him is that as he gets older he will need to be involved in more constructive physical activities like gymnastics or something that involves body slamming; like a mosh pit at a Ministry concert. (are they still around?)

In reality, we probably will enroll him in tap classes. ( knowing tap could help him with getting girls and come in handy in a mosh pit)

Happy Birthday!

How Far Will They Take It?

2008-11-19T16:58:00.000-08:00

One aspect of the whole Gay marriage debate, (holy war) which I have not seen is what the defining of marriage by Christians means for the rest of us who are religious but non Christian.

I was standing in the shower thinking about this. How can anyone really define marriage for anyone else? Maybe the state can say this is a marriage that is a marriage but that definition does not change the quality of one relation to their chosen one. And even if a marriage is defined as one man one woman not only can the state not tell me that I can't consider my friends as married.

I really have absolutely no clue what legally constitutes marriage; what does it get me, and my spouse. How I see it is there is a contract saying I am married and then there is the "spiritual" (I still don't know what that word means) side, or religious, marriage. The part of actual commitment. Lets face it as the Gay community has proven, at least to those of us who have been paying attention, one need not have a legal contract to be committed to someone.

This is where religion comes into the marriage. Religions are the guardians of spirituality (what does that word mean?) . I could have said that better, to me, the job of a religion is to help clarify life. Marriage is part of life, a sometimes difficult part, one that needs the help of a supernatural, supreme or enlightened being to keep going and to convince you that you should. Unless you are an atheist, then I guess it is your own convictions keeping you married or ...Love? (gasp)

Gay marriage is also a freedom of religion issue. What I have been hearing from my L.D.S. relatives is that they are afraid that without marriage being defined as between one man and one woman they will eventually be sued into allowing gays into their temples. Could this happen? maybe.
It seems that Churches should be able to marry anyone they think fit to marry according to their codes; within reason.

There are churches that already do actively marry same sex couples. There are recognized non-Christian religions that also do not have qualms about whether the couples are straight or Gay.

So, so what if the majority has decided to try to put their version of reality into law, it has not really changed reality for the rest of us. Fundamentally I will continue to view my married gay friends as married, regardless of laws. I know that this does not help legal headaches same sex couples face, at the very least they will know that their marriage has the support of all those who really matter.

Finally, Christians should keep this issue out of the public sphere and put it to the Christian theologists and accept that their version of reality is not everyone's. If someone quotes Biblical scripture to me I am likely respond with Buddhist teachings.

Equal Protection

2008-11-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago my family and I went to a wedding down in the SF bay area. We went down to see two good friends, who are raising their daughter together, get married. They have been living together for some time now and finally decided to tie the knot.

I have been to weddings like this, where two people who have been together for a while get married, the couples sometimes get ribbed that they are doing it just to throw a party.

I don't care how cynical it may seem but even those types of weddings are special. It is like they are coming out to their friends and admitting they actually do want to stay together and they are not going to just split up.
And to get the support of their friends and family they throw a party.

This couple in particular knew of the support they had. When their baby was born their whole community went to the naming ceremony. Then when the momma got cancer we all prayed for her and hoped she would get well.

Of course when we found out they had the chance to get married we dropped everything to go and be there to show our support. Plus there was not a whole lot of time. There marriage license would be denied right now because they are two women.

I can't say that I am mystified why anyone would vote to deny someone else's rights. About twenty years ago, I might have voted that way myself, not because I actively hated but because I did not understand that love is not some static thing that exists in certain situations but is fluid. I also really believed that my Church would not lead me the wrong way.

At the time of the founding of our country the idea that all people had inherent rights was pretty big, so big in fact that it was written both in the Declaration of Independence and into the Constitution. I know, back then, when they were granting rights, they gave most of them to taxpayers; men who were not slaves. Even though the other groups, women, slaves, Jews, and Catholics( in some states) did not get the same rights, I assert that the writers (John Adams and Thomas Jefferson) really did believe that those groups were actually equal to the people holding all the power.

They must have known, that those other groups would eventually have the right to equal protection and voice in the government. They did not set up a democracy where the majority ruled. They set up a Republican government one where the power is not concentrated in one branch, one with courts to interpret laws etc. one that would protect minorities.

From what I have read of John Adams, I think he would be happy about the abolition of slavery and the subsequent civil rights, he would not be surprised by women getting the vote. What would he make of same sex marriage? I don't know. Judging by what was written in the Constitution I doubt he would vote to take away rights.

Memory

2008-10-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

Memory is such a funny thing. Really, what is it for? other than to help us survive. You know, so you can remember how to get to the hunting grounds, remember that the good drinking water is over here, and remember that wal-murt is having a sale.

Sure, those are all the practical uses, the good things. Then there is the shadowy side of memory: Nostalgia. ( I capitalized it for the effect) Memory can color your past so that it is maybe more palatable. For example, in high school you were a depressed, self-absorbed nerd. (this isjust hypothetical) but twenty years later, you think of yourself as having been this sort of, avant garde hipster who was ahead of the curve. ( I guess that sort of sums up everyone who was into punk in the 80's then defined the nineties?)

Those memories can be kind of appealing, really you were very cool; you were just the only person who knew. And it is your memory, so hold on to it. This story has more of a point than that.
Let's say that you did not keep in touch with anyone you went to High school with, you lost touch the last day of classes your senior year. That is even better for your memories.
Only, one day it dawns on you that, "I was a really a self absorbed, depressed, nerd and not as cool as I thought" (this all comes to you a few years later, while you are making Latte's for the theater crowd, while listening to Eric Clapton's Unplugged album and one of the patrons suggests listening to something more...progressive. You sneer at him and say Eric Clapton is fuckin cool.)

So, then you think hey, if I still lived in the same town, not 800 miles away, I might be able to be in touch with those people. You are looking around you at the friends you have and realize that they have known each other since they were in grade school. And feel like you have not kept in touch with your past. Granted there are down sides to being that in touch but I digress. Sometimes in order to stay present I think it is good to have the past clarified. And when you keep in touch with those who grew up with you it can help.

A funny thing happened to me. In the past few months I have, on Facebook, gotten in touch with a few of the people who I spent my senior year of High school with. I have not seen or talked to them since the last day of classes in 1989. It was my most, up to that point, tumultuous year. (that is over stated) I don't need them to tell me what I already know, but it would be great if they can tell me what they were like.

Ruthie: Cartographer

2008-10-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

Ruthie and I were looking at the Eugene/Springfield bicycle map; Ruthie was quite impressed that we could find the spot on the map where our house is. She asked me what the map was for so, I explained that it is a drawing of the different paths one could take to get somewhere. This map specifically shows the easiest and safest ways to bicycle to those places.

She was really taken with the Idea that someone drew a picture of this and that she could do the same thing. So, Ruthanne came up with this:

Basically, it is a map showing the four schools we all go to. I would have to have her orient me; the two bear stickers represent two of the schools and there are two circles that represent the other two.

School?

2008-10-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm actively ignoring the reading I should be doing and listening to music. Ahh that is exactly what I used to do when I was in high school. Yes, it is true, heritable gene exposed to homework brings out this allele? Geneticists may be able to confirm for me if I wrote that sentence correctly. Anyway, I don't know what percentage is wholly due to genetics but, listening to SCOTS and writing down my opinions about me seems to be so, much easier than reacting to, an image or writing about John Winthrop for example.

And my psych paper the subject of does interest me; but is easier for me to have a casual relationship with and not one where I have to explain.

Charlie seems to be having alot of fun in school. He is learning to use the potty and looks forward to playing with his friends. Ruthie is also digging school, (I mean she likes school and is not there with a pick and a shovel) she has figured out the 1 and 1 are two and enjoys copying words. She has also found that there are other kids her age that she can play with.

Remember when.........you could draw a picture, play nicely on the playground and that was enough.

Sarah Palin: What If The Tables Were Turned.

2008-10-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

I just watched the last installment of Katie Couric's interview with Gov. Sarah Palin. It was painful. I felt uncomfortable for her.

I began to imagine a world where Mccain loses the presidency (I am not making a prediction just put on you imagination caps for a minute and imagine with me)

Mccain loses, the pressure that Palin is now under is off. She is sitting at home, in Wasilia with her five kids, thinking about being a grandma and how a weekend trip with her old man would do her a world of good.

Palin: Lands I am glad That (the election) is over. Whew no more stuffed shirts telling me what to say......Do I need a Vacation........hmmmm....

Who can I get to watch the kids? (she imagines a list of people she could call) Karl Rove.....nah......too grumpy.......the Obama's....too busy, not to mention Liberals.......hmmmm.... ( A slightly evil, but kindly, mischievious look comes over her face...) Man McCain owes me big time. Ha

Palin comes home from her vacation on the sunny shores of Vancouver Island.

She walks in the door......to see that the kids have decorated the house with toilet paper, the T.V. is on displaying the menu for Nightmare On Elm Street. All the Disney DVDs are scattered on the floor. The house smells of burnt toast and rotting feces.

She is shocked, there are no sign of the kids.

A light tapping noise is heard from somewhere in the house. As if someone were trying to send a message. It's Morse code for "Please help, I am locked in the upstairs bathroom closet, bring food". Sarah rushes up stairs and finds a note " Mom. Went to Grandmas house. Mr. McCain is locked in the closet. p.s. Senators make horrible babysitters. signed kids"

Sarah Opens the closet door to find a weakned John McCain.
(Palin reacts how any parent would if they found the babysitter tied up in a closet)
Palin:"Oh John I am sooo embarrased, did the kids do this to you?"
McCain: "No I did it after watching the Lion King for the fifth time....the kids would not go to bed....and and....It was worse than Nam......" he sobs uncontrollably...

Palin ...rofl.......ha those darn kids...ha I'm sorry John clearly you just are not in your element. I promise I will never ask you to babysit again.

Charlie And I Are Starting School!

2008-09-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

Number two son starts preschool tomorrow. I don't know why, but it seems to be much too early for him to be going, I mean, he is still so young. Bah! I hear you say, two-and- a- half is not too young.

Okay, Okay 2 -1/2 is not too young, especially not for Chas. He is ready and will probably excel at whatever preschool throws at him; even it is just food. He will be provided things that I don't provide like ...structure, for example.

Beyond nap time and lunch, I don't have activities planned for him like: play dough (too messy to clean up) Art play...(usually the crayons all get trashed after he does free form art (scribble) all over the windows and walls. Oh yes and potty training. This is something that I utterly fail at. Our toilet training program consists of him removing his diaper and going to the bathroom when he remembers to or if I catch him in the act. Without going into more detail toilet training is a primary motivation for me to send him to preschool.

The other major motivation is my entering the University of Oregon. The fact that I am starting school the same year that my daughter started Kindergarten has hit her funny bone. She thinks it is the silliest thing ever!

Maybe she has the image of me going to some big, adult version of kindergarten? who knows? She has no idea that I am not starting school but continuing where I left off a couple of years ago.

Even I think it is kind of silly that I am going to school; here I am basically going into more debt in the hopes that when I get out I can get a job that will pay off the debt. All the while, I know that I could get a job without going into debt and spending years studying a bunch of abstract stuff.

Sigh, ah but the problem is if I did get a job I would have to put the kids into daycare, either at six in the morning (because of bakers hours) or if I were lucky enough to work a 9-5 job for the entire day. Then I would be paying someone to raise my kids.

Going to school at least gives me the flexibility to keep doing the sahp gig for a couple of years, and I don't have to hand them over to someone else for long periods of time. Who knows, my writing might get better.

Haiku

2008-09-21T11:45:00.000-07:00

Rain falls from the clouds
brown grass turns green

Apples fall from the tree
apple sauce tastes sweet.

Charlie scares me!

2008-09-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

About a year ago Charlie got hold of a very large knife with frosting on it. (which was more than adequate to cut cake with) He was in the middle of the room with several people standing to far away from him to just stop him. It was as if he was about to attempt to hold everyone hostage with this knife.

When I saw him with the knife, I had one of those "noooo" slow motion moments. Before I could get the knife away from him he stuck the tip of the knife in his mouth and licked the frosting off. ugh.

It was a scary two seconds.... Charlie has absolutely no qualms about using knives: to cut up cheese, put peanut butter on bread, cut the bread up.
He is a very resourceful little man; I have no doubt that he gets it from his sister.

I could be busily, working in the yard, cleaning the house or wasting time on the computer (not paying attention to the kids) and find them having a four course lunch: grapes, apples, cheese, bread, carrots. It used to be that they would tell me when they are hungry but now they don't even bother.

It is kind of nice; the only draw back, really, is that they don't clean up and there is sure to more of a mess than there would be if I had provided lunch for them.

On the plus side if I pass out, impale myself with gardening tools, drown in the sink or become otherwise incapacitated I know that the kids won't starve.

Presidential Politics

2008-09-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

I really have to get this off my chest. I don't write about my opinions of national politics much because well, the enormity of it all makes me feel that there is no point to having an opinion. Presidential campaigns bother me. every campaign I can remember (that would be all the way back to Reagan.....I am only 37 after all)

They talk about changing things, changing the tone in Washington, changing tax laws, changing welfare, yada yada, change blah blah d blah blah. So, far from my perspective things have gotten better for those who were already well off and those of us on the bottom still have to walk a tight rope over poverty. (Wealth seems to me to be more of a birth right than a good work ethic) (who am I to complain, I mean I swore that I would always be poor and now I eat every day and I don't have a paying job) It is a difficult balance regardless.

I like to consider my self Independent, In reality the Dems have always had my vote, except for that year that Nader ran......sigh...... Socially I am not conservative I am all for abortion, drugs, wild sex, and atheists. ( I am much more consverative than that) What turned me off of Republican candidates is their distance from reality, they speak in platitudes that don't stand up to scrutiny. I mean Reagan, known as the great communicate was just a pitchman and was totally void of substance.

They talk about "family values" but then get caught in airport bathrooms trying to get lucky, and who can forget Bob Packwood.

I am more irked with the Republicans now than I ever thought was possible; I mean we have McCain who I viewed as being somewhat honest, shooting for the platitudes that will get the yokel vote. Not so long ago McCain was pro-choice now he is talking about banning abortion out right.

One would hope that if he gets into office he will stick to those wacky right wingers.

I am voting for Obama, but honestly I have only heard one of his inspiring speeches; that was all for me. why? Well it is that platitude thing again; he is a much better speaker than Gore or Kerry were. Gore and Kerry appealed to me because they did not use flowery speech, I just don't trust any one who seems to be trying to sell me something.

If Obama were not so slick I might feel really good about voting for him.

Gratuitous Poop Story

2008-09-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to California, I lived in the Napa valley (actually a little town called Angwin in the hills east of the valley). What I liked most about living there was not the availability a lot of really good inexpensive wine, but the food. All the food was good. Grocery store deli food was superb, the scones at my favorite coffee shop melted in my mouth. The burgers at the local drive up place were incredible and all the food was fresh. Not only are there chefs and cooks with a lot of vision, the Napa valley is smack dab in the middle of family farm country there is a plethora of fresh produce. Even the local taqueria, which was inexpensive, had the best burritos and tacos around; I and my fellow bakers would get dinner there before they closed.

Not to forget the grapes. In St. Helena, where the bakery I worked at is, there are vineyards all over town; my son and I would often walk through the rows of grape vines to get to the library, his day care or the store. Sometimes, when the grapes were just getting ripe we would take a couple.....maybe more...and pop them into our mouths to test their readiness for the crush.

The Crush came toward the end of August and went well into September. Just when the grape leaves start to change color, the grapes come off the vine and are loaded into huge gondolas that are towed to the various wineries, Which, as you may imagine are also as ubiquitous as the grape vines . I did not take much interest in the goings on of the wine industry, I did not go to tasting rooms or drive around the valley and the surrounding hills looking for the best wine, I did have some wines that I thought were good. What I do know is that you don't generally drink wine when it is just grape juice. It puzzles me why it seemed that during the crush there were suddenly more people in wine country? These BMW driving fashionistas were not there to work, I am positive, since most of them seemed to be a drunk at the end of the day. They were definitely tourists. The other puzzling aspect was the smell, the smell of, well, fermenting grapes was everywhere and it was not totally pleasant, You would think the tourists would all wait until after the smell went away to come. I did get used to it eventually so much so that I don't find it all the offensive.

Right now I have loads of grapes, like a bunch of purple chandeliers hanging from my arbor, and ripe grapes are being crushed under foot on our porch. Charlie and Ruthie have been eating grapes by the handful for almost a month. (most of them not ripe)

A couple of days ago, Charlie walked past me and suddenly a whiff of something reached my nose that brought back a flood of memories. I was transported, I remembered eating tacos and drinking Corona at work, walking the vineyards with Kyle, buying grapes at the St. Helena farmers market. A couple of minutes later as I changed Charlies diaper I realised where the smell was coming from.

IN The Moment......

2008-07-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

It was a popular topic for myself and my twenty-something friends to talk about the virtues of being in the moment. We talked about the moment as if it were some far off utopia that once we found the path to, life would be smooth. I am not sure exactly where we came upon this idea, it came to me through Jack Kerouac and his books, Allen Ginsburg and Ram Das. I did not get enough information however, to actually narrow down that big Moment.

When those moments of conversation would turn to the moment, the magical mystical moment, not that last moment, often we would talk about how children truly live in THE MOMENT. Just watch how they flit from thing to thing totally engrossed for a few seconds then changing their focus. It is easy for me to understand why, when I was on the cusp of adult hood, I would pine for the type of awareness a child of 2 to 7 has. Everything is just new enough that all objects and experiences are amazing.

Now I am positive that what I thought THE MOMENT was back when I was twenty seems totally naive and....shallow. I realized this when observing one of my 2 year old's antics. Chaz was playing on our back deck (which we now call the poop deck) when he stopped in his tracks and pooped. I don't know exactly what went through his mind when he did that but my guess was what led me to my realization. First he had this funny feeling in his gut. Second came the poop. Third: uh ohhhh daddy there is poop on me. He has not made the connection between the pre-pooping feeling and the poop coming out, and he may not have made the connection between the poop on the deck and the poop that came out of him. (He actually is more advanced than that)

Imagine a grown adult who previously could use the bathroom, suddenly forgetting to go.

I really do appreciate the part of my brain that alerts me to run to the bathroom before I have those types of moments, and to want to live that way seems a bit backward. I have learned, since I was a twenty something, that being present is different than being in the moment.

Carry On Abroad

2008-06-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

We are two weeks into summer vacation now, and we have spent most of our time working in the yard. Our garden is huge and is putting out at least, a ton, (A TON!) of veggies. It is great since we have little to spend on food.

My natural reaction to my wife having time off is to travel. This year is no exception; but travel this year is less likely to happen, not just because of gas prices. We have our livestock to take care of, our garden and yard still needs maintaining and, well, the major thing for me is getting myself acclimatized to Eugene.

Yes, I am still a bit homesick for Utah, (many ex Utahans don't get this.....sometimes I don't either) I can't put my finger on "one" reason why I miss the place; still the fact that I miss it remains; I also miss the SF Bay area.

So, staying put is a pretty good idea for me. If I visit Utah it will just feed my malaise.

We were even planning a trip to Moab this year......sigh......
On another note, when I was looking for pictures of Moab, I found this NY Times travel article about Moab and its environs. Take a look at the slide show. Their photographer needs to get out more. From this slide show, one would think that the only thing to see in the entire area ,around Moab, is Delicate Arch....(I am rolling my eyes)....

Fathers Day

2008-06-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

I knew , when I went to bed at 2:00 a.m., that Charlie would be up in five hours; he would not tolerate my sleeping much more than him. I knew, when my older son went to bed at 1:00 a.m. that staying up as late as he did, then sleeping late, he would wake up cranky; therefore moody and argumentative.

We don't really celebrate Fathers day or mothers day much. Mom does not get breakfast in bed, what she gets is a kiss on the cheek and a "Happy Mothers day." I get happy mothers day too, which I know has nothing to do with the givers gender confusion but with an acknowledgment of the type of work I do. (my equipment is what makes me dad and not mom)

I can't really expect much on fathers day. I can expect to have the same things expected of me that are expected me every day. Make breakfast and be ready to jump when something is requested of me.

What can I expect when we have all stayed up too late: I am depressed and whiny, my son argues with every suggestion I make, and my two year old, is, well, his normal bubbly, energetic, demanding, loud self.

So, I will slog through today and see if I can get a day off with my wife when school gets out.

Fun, Happy Marriages

2008-06-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite "Happy " couples was on the Front page of the Vallejo Herald.

I know it is a big deal for them; when their daughter Lucy was born they had to go through tons of paperwork and they had to get a signature from the donor in order to have Marnie recognized as a parent. (getting him to sign was not so difficult) Anyway, hopefully , the process will be easier now for other same sex parents to be legally recognized as such.

Zen

2008-06-11T10:45:00.001-07:00

I am amazed that there is so much written about nothing.

Genjo Koan

We are studying this writing by Dogen Zenji at our Zendo, so far it is one of my favorites. What I have noticed is that when you get right down to the fundamental point, the writing is all about sitting.

Despite that, I think I will keep reading.

I'll knock on wood

2008-06-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am probably really inviting disaster with this post.....

I was busily moping about under our gray skies, a few minutes ago, when I thought about the amount of time I have spent being depressed verses actual tragedies I have experienced. I have had nothing catastrophic enough in my life to, I feel, to warrant the amount of sadness I have had. I think about the typhoon in Myanmar or, the people on the bridge in New Orleans. I think of my friend who is in mourning of her fathers recent death. These people deserve to feel hopeless, sad, in the pit of suffering.

It boggles my mind that I even had depression as a teen. OK, maybe my sadness was warranted I was, hopelessly shy, a magnet for bullies and even my attempts at being cool, and above the popular kids did not serve to lessen my pain. Now, I am truly above such things...yes?

To compound the sadness, I had a bit of guilt thrown in. I was not supposed to be sad. I was born into the one true Church.... I must have done something wrong. I realize that this is simplistic thinking but the message I remember getting was that, the truth made you happy.

When I was a kid, coming home from a bad day of school, I would put a Bauhaus tape into my stereo and listen to it loud. Loud dark music does not pull me out of a lull anymore. Neither does wishing something really awful would happen so, I could feel better about sadness.

My son is a Princess

2008-05-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

My two year old (whose name I will not mention) about two weeks ago was going through a puppy faze. He would come up on hands and knees and insist on being scratched behind the ears; then, in a non-puppy like voice, ask for a bowl of water. He would bark a little, then leave the life of a four legged and rejoin the two legged population.

Now, he is in his princess faze. Ok that isn't fair, really it is just that he is wearing his sisters clothes, which consists of very tasteful flowy dresses. Being the completely honest person I am I have to admit to my feelings of discomfort.

I want to just allow him to experience what he wants, but, there were a few minutes there at outset of his skirt wearing that I was insistent that he put on his overalls.

I decided not to fight it because I could not find any reason why I should. Besides, the only problems I could think of, were that wearing girls clothes might lead him to a life of say: joining the Lincoln Brigade and fighting the Spanish civil war then writing "The Old Man And The Sea" or heading the CIA. (So, boys wearing dresses equals fighting Fascism and writing books about man against nature in a non-descriptive style or well, becoming a spy ala J. Edgar Hoover)

What it really came down to, was avoiding the classic two-year-old meltdown, which I am all about avoiding when the thing he wants is not dangerous....

grr

2008-05-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Every other word out of Chaz's mouth is in the form of a scream and I am on the edge today. I am given to yelling today and I am driving me nuts.......

Journey, and Zen

2008-05-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

I was sitting during sesshin a few weeks ago, cultivating nothing, well trying to cultivate no- mind. (seriously, how can you really cultivate nothing? Maybe there are more advanced Zen folks out there who can explain that) So, I was sitting there on my little cushion staring at a wall, bringing about no mind when I hear this " Just a city boy/born and raised in south detroiooit/he took the midnight train/goin anywhere"

I managed to calm my mind a bit then " When the lights/ go down in the citay/and the moon shines on the baaayaa/ooh I wanna be thereyaya in my citay/ ooohoohooh"

Followed by more no mind and more Journey songs; I think all from the same album which, I have never owned or heard.

Really, it gave me hope that maybe enlightenment was looming before me. And, just like the pain in my knee, my stuffed up nose and my sleeping leg I needed to make room for Journey and not try to push them away so, the next time Steve Perry's voice manifested itself in my head with " oh the wheel in the sky keeps on trunin/oh I don't know where I'll be tommoroooohooh" I just sat with it and relief came around. Not no mind relief but " It's the end of the world as we know it/and I feeel fiine"

Toddlers are Amazing!

2008-05-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

Charlie has a most amazing skill. Maybe it is a sixth sense that only two-year-old's have, needless to say, I discovered it today. I was sitting at the kitchen table filling out my Oregon voter Ballot, when I had to check the bread in the Oven. Charlie, as far as I recollect, was playing in his room on the other side of the house.

Now, granted, our house is not huge, still, it is possible to be in one of the back bedrooms and not know what is going on in the kitchen; unless someone is running the blender or shouting. How Charlie could discern my action I will never know.

When I got up from my ballot I put the pen down, I stepped to the oven (three steps! not ten, or twenty. Three) I turned around to find Charlie traveling the pen around several twists on the morning news paper. I caught him just before he got to my ballot.

All I can guess is, that two-year-olds can smell an abandoned pen and tele-port to them.

Ahhh Spring

2008-04-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

This is one of our apple trees, all those blooms will, hopefully, be followed by lots of apples.
This is our front garden.

The Wisdom of Ignorance

2008-04-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

I remember vividly how it felt to be an expectant father for the first time. It was scary. I was 25 and still trying to get over my troubled adolescence; how would I be able to process my shit while trying to raise a child? I was not afraid of changing diapers or feeding this little being; the fear I had originated in my emotional instability and that all my prejudice, scars and fears would get transferred onto him.

The step I took, which is probably the best thing any new parent can do, is to admit that I was ignorant then, I started reading every handbook on parenting and father hood I could get my hands on. I worked at a great bookstore....shameless plug.....called Sam Weller's, at the time, so had access to several titles, bad and good, about parenting.

At the time I was reading almost anything with the words Zen, Buddhism, and meditation in the title so, when a book with a title that was something like; Zen and the Art of Fatherhood came into my view I read it. I hated it. I did not get it at all. Now, twelve years, three kids and a couple of years of Zazen practice, I might have a better understanding of what he was trying to say. (I know it might be helpful if I could maybe give a glimpse of the contents of that book but it has been almost thirteen years since I last saw it, and that I hated it is what I remember.)

From what I remember the premise of the book was: that you don't know what you are getting into but don't worry, if you are aware you will know what to do, and you will notice when you have messed up.

I was much more aware of my lack of knowledge back then, my first child benefited from my state of mind, I was much more engaged; even now as I am trying to shift to parenting a 12 year old I am still more involved with him than I am with the younger ones.

The challenge for me is to keep remembering that, despite what I know about taking care of kids, I still need to pay attention to them as if they both are my first. (my kids are now, this second, trying to get my attention from my all important blogging...sigh. Don't they know that writing about my philosophy of life is so much more important than living it? Durn kids.)

I Want To Live Like Childless People

2008-04-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

One common lament that can be heard in our house, between the two adults, is: "remember when, we could go on long drives just for fun or have a clean house, or not have to grocery shop every day."

Before the two youngest were born we were parents for part of the week and childless the other part. It was great; responsible adults one part overgrown adolescents the other.

What am I getting at? I am not complaining about having kids, I made a choice and am happily living it. I can't write about this without first bringing up the envy I sometimes have of people with less chaotic lives. I mean, face it ,even the most organized people lose some of that...ability? when they are faced with the chaos that surrounds young children. ( I was not organized before I had kids; I had less stuff. Now it is all to obvious that organization is not a skill I have ever had.)

This is for all the people who don't have and don't want children. Don't let your friends, coworkers, family members, or acquaintances who have kids tell you otherwise having children is a completely selfish act.

There is nothing altruistic about it, it is driven by hormones; by this want to reproduce. Adoption is altruistic. Reading to kids in elementary schools, becoming a mentor, giving money to charities that help kids is altruistic.

Taking your brother or sisters kids for the weekend is also a sainted activity.

I think that half of the people who have children spent a few minutes thinking about what they are getting themselves into they might not do it.

Earth Day

2008-04-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Charlie and I took a walk around Alton Baker park this morning. Nothing like a walk along the Willamette River during a light drizzle. Charlie was, as usual, fascinated by the geese and ducks.

From the Kids Book of Knowledge

2008-04-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ruthie: " Why do parents tickle kids?"

Me: " Because we love to hear you laugh and squeal"

Ruthie: "Kids hate laughing, and we hate being tickled"

My Boy is Living with us now.

2008-03-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

Kyle is 12 now. He had his birthday in Oakland, at his moms house. Then two days later he hopped onto a plane and flew to us. He is here.

I have not been away from him long enough to not know him but somehow, I forgot that and have been expecting him to start acting really strangely. But he is just twelve and not some odd monster.

Sure I was a twelve year old boy once so, why be scared. He is a different breed of twelve than I was, and the world is a different place than it was in 1983. Video games are more realistic and graphic, there is more swearing in music......... ( I have to say that I was turned off by the macho posing, swearing, and attitude in some the rap songs I let him play for me. I have since reflected on those songs and what I used to listen to. I am starting to not see a problem. ) he is in middle school and for me, middle school and being twelve were an incredibly traumatic experience. I was so glad when it was over.

What I keep telling myself is that he is my son, the same one I have been caring for since birth, 12 will be no sweat.

There is a there, there.

2008-03-03T06:48:00.001-08:00

I went down to Oakland this past weekend to hang out with my boy. I had planned to spend the day hiking in the Oakland hills, instead we spent our time socializing with friends.

We stopped by our old house and found that it had been sold again, and the previously lush front garden had been reduced then covered with rocks.

The tangerine tree, that DW planted when she was pregnant with the girl, was covered with tangerines. The boy climbed the fence and picked a couple; I hope the new owners don't mind.

Visitors From Foreign Lands

2008-02-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

One exciting event that has brought fun and culture to our "white bread" house is Yuna.

Yuna teaches home economics at a high school on a small, tropical, Japanese (in the prefecture of Okinawa) Island. She came with a group of students from her high school, with an exchange program, that the high school where my wife teaches has been doing for the last 28 years.

Even though I have had a handful of friends from Japan, in my life, I still had stereo types of what the Japanese are like. For example: very efficient and clean, and loves to shop. None of the Japanese I have known really fit into that description, so you'd think that I wouldn't have been worried at all. Even the wife was worried that Yuna would not like our home.

As it turns out she loves kids, (the kids love her) she would rather go hiking than go shopping. (I took her to a shopping mall, after taking a long walk with the kids; she had about the same reaction to the place I usually have; "so many people, noise, lights, useless plastic objects, aaahhh") She also sometimes understands our sense of humor. Needless to say, she has been perfect fit.

When she leaves, she will be missed.

Amazing Things My Daughter Says

2008-02-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

That she speaks is amazing to me.....Not because she had trouble with language acquisition or something, only because that is what it is like to be a gushing parent.

I was getting the 2 year-old to sleep, and could not reach my coffee, so I asked my daughter if she would grab it for me. I thanked her for doing me this small favor. Her reply was "That's what kids are for; to do favors for their parents."

........of course I could not just leave that where it was; I had to confuse her by suggesting that, that is not her life's purpose. I had to remind myself not to get too philosophical with the four year old, so, in the end I just agreed with her.

"hey would you do daddy a favor? Go to the store and buy me some beer, then go scrub the bathroom floor"

"No"

Spring?

2008-02-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

I am not sure what caused it, but about a week ago I suddenly had more energy. I found myself putting up shelves, cleaning the garage, and, actually keeping the sink free of dirty dishes. More sun.....the days are getting longer.

Even on cloudy and rainy days, I have had less of an urge to sit around all morning, nursing cup after cup of coffee; while I read blog after blog, New York times, or play scrabble on facebook.

It is amazing what an effect a few minutes more of sunshine can have.

What Happens When...

2008-01-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

....my wife doesn't have to go to work because it has snowed.

It Snowed Today!!!

2008-01-27T14:54:00.001-08:00

The last time I saw this much snow, in a place I lived, was the winter before I moved from Salt Lake City to Napa, California.

It was , as they put it in the newspaper this morning , near blizzard conditions.

Instead of driving the mile to the Zendo , yesterday, we did one of my favorite things to do on a snowy morning ; we walked. A snow storm is much more pleasant to walk in than a rain storm.

Our bike trailer did well in the snow, but the front wheel attachment kept jamming up and acted more like a ski.

Snow is such a big deal here, it only snows about two days a year, they closed school. The only reason I can see for them to close school for this little amount of snow is so the kids can all go out and play.

Child Abuse and Domestic Violence

2008-01-25T08:12:00.000-08:00

When looking at my stats, at Statcounter, I have noticed that some of the searches that have brought people to my blog may have been searches for help. I have added the National Domestic Violence Hot Line , just above my profile.

Ruthie and Chaz Model Citizens?

2008-01-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

The two little ones and I were at a cafe this morning. They, the 2 year old and the four year old, were eating muffins and sharing a croissant with me. There were only two other people in the cafe, two middle aged women eating croissant with egg and reading the paper.

The little people sat there contentedly eating for, a long time, by child standards. Just as I went to get another cup of coffee Chaz (the two year old) was, obvious to me, starting to lose his contentedness.

I commented that, getting another cup of coffee, was not a good idea since I could tell that the kids would soon get restless.

One of the women said that they sure were good kids, and that they sure were patient. Whenever anyone says that my kids are good I always agree with them, but, generally I find that what they see as good and what I see as good are different.

After our brief conversation it was clear to me what she meant by good. He was not running around screaming in the cafe. Of course, I knew what she meant, if your toddler is running around screaming that is not "good" cafe behavior, you might as well take your stuff and leave. You won't enjoy being there and neither will the other customers.

It is a given that there is good behavior and bad behavior, for certain situations. If Chaz is having a tantrum it is much easier for me to handle if I am not in a nice restaurant; if I am at home or even at a grocery store I am less embarrassed. It all comes down to how I feel, and how I think me and my child are being perceived by other people.

I have accepted that a two year old throwing a tantrum is neither bad nor good. Every two year old has tantrums, at least all three of mine have. As they grow and their communication skills become more sophisticated tantrums become less frequent.

So, my comment to the other cafe customer was; he is being pleasant now, but an hour ago he was screaming.

How Fear Looks to A Toddler

2008-01-21T18:50:00.000-08:00

Charlie experienced a car- wash for the first time a few days ago. You know, one of those car-washes with big moving brushes that spin around and go back and forth over the car.

Charlie, having never seen one of those things before, did not know what to make of it. I am guessing that, he must have thought, that they were big furry monsters that were attacking our car. Not like the big furry monsters on "Sesame Street" who teach you how to count , hang out in garbage cans and eat cookies .

Charlie shook with fear......I wish I had a visual.......he quaked with terror....scared. His, always practical, nonplussed, sister sat there and tried to soothe him. "It's just a car wash Charlie" "those things won't hurt you...see they are washing the car."

Then, as if to soothe himself, he started repeating: "it's just a car-wash" over and over.

When something scares him now he says "it's just a car wash." We have added others. "It's just a machine (vacuum cleaner)" "It's just a lawnmower"

But really scary things, like white movie credits rolling on a black background, is just a car wash.

( I would love to be able to see the thoughts going on in his head when he sees things)

Chaz's Latest Song

2008-01-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

A song about a legendary older brother, who, looms large in the two year olds psyche-

"My Kyle lies over the ocean, bring back my Kyle to me"

"My Kyle lies over the sea, bring back my Kyle to me"

Former Saint

2008-01-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

Recently, I have had a few readers from the ex-Mormon and Mormon community reading my blog. For them I am posting my Exit from Mormonism story; I wrote it for the Recovery From Mormonism board.

Please comment, and ask questions, I will answer all questions to the best of my ability.

The reason that I initially left the L.D.S. Church, at the moment I consciously decided to leave was pretty simple, I had no testimony. It was not an action of just slipping into in-activity but an actual thought. I could not say, with any honesty, that I knew the Church was true. This problem, and at 19 I did view it as a problem, prevented me from going on a mission.

My disaffection with the Church began earlier than that. As a kid, I probably was not much different from many other born and bred Salt Lake valley Mormons, insulated from the non-Mormon world because Mormons are the majority but enough non-Mormons so, that contact with non-members was common.

I can clearly remember that I had ingested the idea that we needed to avoid evil; in my mind non-members were not so much evil but had access to evil things so, obviously needed to be avoided; that philosophy only applied if they were doing something wrong, like smoking or drinking. As I grew up I could see how prejudiced my attitude was. Despite the awareness of my prejudice most of my friends were just as devout as I was, and I did not try to befriend people who were outside my faith.

As a teenager I was the type who took church pretty seriously, I never missed a meeting, went to seminary every day, I obeyed all the rules (I even turned down free tickets and a backstage pass to a Depeche Mode concert. Only because it was on a Sunday!) Like many average teens the music I listened to and the look I adopted probably appeared pretty rebellious to other people; I was aware of that. Sure, I had spiky hair, wore a lot of black, I went to dance clubs and concerts on the weekend but my outer look did not necessarily reflect my spiritual life.

I was also hyper aware of what I thought of as fake righteousness. We were pretty poor, my father could not hold a job, and he suffered from bipolar disorder. When I was fairly young I was sure that my fathers mental illness meant that he was not a righteous person. Also If he were living the gospel he would be happier and would be able to hold a job. When I was a teen and started battling my own depression I could see that this conclusion I made about him was wrong but I perceived that others in the church and in our family did not see this. I sensed that my family, especially my dad was looked down upon for our relative poverty.

The direction I took was to cultivate an authentic spiritual life that shed outward appearances and was more focused on my inner life; so I did all the things and tried to think the things a good Mormon should.

When I was fifteen I took some summer theater classes at University of Utah, through this I started making friends with non-Mormons, this was when I became aware that “righteousness” was not something that only Mormons had, I also discovered that even people who were not religious could be “good.”

This little realization was faith shattering. I realized that, according to my church, these people from other churches were moral, but they lacked the absolute truth that Mormonism offered. So, if they did not accept the “truth” as we saw it, even with all their good deeds, they would not make it to the Celestial Kingdom, the highest tier of heaven in L.D.S. cosmology. This bothered me, instead of just accepting this explanation I started to doubt that Mormon truth was absolute.

By the time I was 19 these doubts were fairly solid, they were helped by the fact that, despite my often desperate prayer sessions, where I would ask god for some sign of the Church's truth, I expected the "burning bosom" that was often referenced, this feeling often came in church when we were singing hymns and it came at a Public Image Ltd. show when John Lydon screamed "anger is an energy." I never did get the witness that so many had promised so, instead of doubting the church I doubted my sincerity. It was really easy to tell my bishop when it became time for my mission interview that I could not put my papers in until I had some personal revelation. My view was that my faith and testimony should be solid, so that when I went out looking for converts I would be able to really believe what I was doing.

My bishop told me I should just go and my doubts would be lifted. I can see now the wisdom in this statement; yes, sometimes you just have to jump and maybe if I had just gone I would not have left the church. With all the doubts I had, a mission may have just cemented my feelings even more, and I probably would have gone to a place with even less Mormon influences than Salt Lake City.

When my mission interview took place I was living with my girlfriend who was not Mormon and we lived in a part of SLC where, as the local singles ward bishop put it, kids who don't want to be in the church anymore go.

After my initial break with the church my Girlfriends mom was pretty influential in my post-Mormon “spiritual” development. During the Late sixties she had become involved with a group of American Hindus. She had a guru and practiced yoga.

She gave me a couple of her guru's books plus some others in the eastern philosophy bent. What grabbed me from the outset was that their idea of god fit mine easily. My idea of god had gotten fairly large in my imagination; god was not this judgmental character who had a chosen people but one who loved all his children and gave them several ways to get back to him.

I began practicing yoga, not just as physical exercise, but as a spiritual one. I also devoured books about yogic philosophy and Buddhism. I read books by Alan Watts, Ram Das, and Jack Kerouac. I spent a couple of months living at an ashram in California, where I learned meditation and various yogic practice’s, and met other young people like myself who were searching for an authentic spiritual life.

This was an incredible time in my life, being free from Mormonism, I felt free to choose my experiences without fear. I believed fervently that I could free myself up with yogic practice and truly worship god with my whole self, not the limited self I felt I was as a Mormon. Once I achieved that state, I thought that I would really be living “righteously” and the appearance of righteousness would be because of what was inside.

I was also free to do things that are denied to a member of the church, which meant that I could make mistakes and not worry about whether or not I would still go to heaven.

By the time I was 24, I was as far as I could get from Mormonism. I was not interested in it, I did not think about it much, except when I traveled and people would ask me where I was from. My pride in my Mormon pioneer heritage became apparent to me; I loved to tell people that my relatives were involved in the beginnings of the church and had scouted out and settled the Salt Lake valley. My disaffection from the church did not change my feelings for my family, nor did it seem to change how they felt about me. I am aware that for many exmormons this is not the case and I know I am lucky in this respect.

By the time I was 27 I had begun practicing Zen, I had a 2 year old son, and an ex-girlfriend with whom I was sharing parenting duties. At this time, I met a woman who was about six months from departing on a mission for the church, to Bolivia. She was attractive, intelligent, well educated and a devout Mormon.

We discussed and debated religion a lot, which, I found to be one of her more attractive attributes. My Zen practice softened my bias against the church significantly enough so, that when she suggested to me that I take a second look at the church, I did. I also had the thought that I might go back to the church. I can’t say honestly that my attraction to my friend did not influence this; mostly going back would have been out of my nostalgia for simplicity. I decided that the best route for me would be to take an institute class.

I chose a class at Salt Lake community college which was taught by one of my former high school seminary teachers, this teacher was the only person who suggested to me that exploring other religions fully was not a bad idea. The class did not sway me in any way to go back to church. In fact during the class I got the impression that Mormonism was much more convoluted than I had originally thought. I also found it devoid of the pragmatic approach to spiritual development I had found if Zen practice. The other effect it had on me was that I could now admit that Mormonism was fine for other people, but not me.

At the time of this writing it has been 17 years since I decided to leave the church, I finally had my name removed about three years ago. I currently am a practitioner in the Soto school of Zen Buddhism. Leaving the church has been more of a journey than a destination for me; a journey that brings me back to it, in mind, frequently. One of my struggles has been to accept the parts of myself that are still Mormon, and respect those who practice it. The immediate benefit I can identify from this struggle is that I have good relationships with the members of my family who are solidly L.D.S.

(Now it has been almost 21 years since I left.)

Absent Kids

2008-01-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

For the first ten years of my older sons life we were rarely apart for long; a month at the most. The two days of the week, plus the weekends, that he would spend with his mother seemed like an eternity at times. When he was with us I would just get to feeling like a normal family; normal as in the constant reminding him to "pick up your socks" or " no computer until you have finished your homework" normal. Then I would whisk him away to his moms.

I would drop him off, and drive away reminded that this was not what I considered "normal."

I was used to it, so was he.

This situation had its perks, my wife and I never had to find a babysitter if we wanted to go out; until the little ones were born.

When we moved to Eugene, I knew it was drastic, it would be a change that we all had to adjust to. I knew it would be hardest on him.

For the second year he spent winter break with us. Two weeks of 11 year-old boy. Light-saber fights, stinky socks, wet towels on the floor, one or two days of emotional turmoil.

Me, resenting that he wants to spend more time playing with his neighborhood friends than with his step-mom and two, drastically younger siblings. (he assured me that this was not the case, and I adjusted to his need.) We all had a great time with him, most of all his two younger siblings; who worship him.

His last day came. After I ordered him for the....millionth time...to please get your stuff together and pack; his step-mom found him sitting against his bedroom door sobbing. He did not want to leave.

Later on that day, at a pizza place in Portland, we talked about how temporary his whole situation is. Only six years and he will be able to settle where he wants, visit who he wants. We talked about the difficulty of our situation and who has it harder, him or me?

We both have it hard and the reasons are numerous.

Two

2008-01-03T21:04:00.001-08:00

Chaz turned two yesterday. What can I say about him; just six months ago he was freaking other parents at the park out by climbing higher than they thought he should. When he did fall, I would ask if he was OK, he would say yes, then get up and keep playing. (sometimes he would cry and want to be held.)

I can't remember what his first word was, but I notice that, he says "thank you" every time I give him something he asks for, he used to say wow a lot, and there is the ever present "that's mine", no and " I want that.........." whatever dad does not want you touching.

Happy Birthday Chaz! It sure has been fun.

Favorite Albums And Songs of 2007

2007-12-31T07:39:00.000-08:00

This list is in order of whatever album comes to mind first, not, a reflection of importance or favorites.

1. UB40 Labour Of Love
I rediscovered this in February. It brought some (warning cliche' ahead.) brought some sunshine into some of those dreary days. I like the way it opens up with "Cherry Oh Baby;" I have to be standing next to the speakers when it starts or I have to start it again.

2. XTC-Skylarking
The big hit off this album was "Dear God;" It still sort of amazes me that in 1986 "Dear God" was voted the best on the Salt Lake area radio station where they played bands like XTC. Not surprisingly, the song received the same honor at the dance club I used to frequent. My favorite song on the album is, the more poppy, "Earn Enough For Us."

3.Johnny Cash-
For Christmas last year my in-laws gave to us a gigantic collection of Johnny Cash songs. What can I say......We also got our hands on his last album "American IV: The Man Comes Around" I love it! It is not the Depeche Mode cover or the Nine Inch Nails cover, It's the whole thing. My favorite song really, is "We'll Meet Again."

4. Depeche Mode-Just Can't Get Enough
When I was 17, and hanging out at underage dance clubs, where they played this type of music, when the "just can't get enough" refrain would come around, we would change the enough to "get it up." Anyway, I think I have already written too much about this song, but, I have more. I discovered the song hanging out in the far reaches of my itunes library, I am not sure how it got there, I love it, it is a perfect pop song. The message is simple and the music is straight forward.

5. The Cure-Disintegration
As you, dear reader, have guessed none of these songs or albums come from 2007; I bought this one the same day I bought Labour of Love. They were birthday presents for me. In 1990 I owned a discarded copy of this that my sister did not want. "It's too dark." My reply: it's not as dark as some of Robert Smith's other albums. This album is sort of like some of the rainy days here; dark, cloudy, raining, but green and lush. I misplaced or sold this album along the way, and, found that I needed to have it after moving to Eugene.

6. Joanna Newsome- The Sprout And The Bean
I read a review in our local weekly of her performance at the wow hall; and found that she studied music at a womens college that is in my former Oakland CA, neighborhood. I had heard many tales of drunken musical experimentation from some students at this college, so after reading the review I had to hear her. Some reviewer had compared her singing voice to Lisa Simpson, of "The Simpsons," accompanied by a harp. I agree. She is a clever lyricist and, well, her voice has grown on me.

Should I be worried?

2007-12-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

I came into our computer area to find my wife browsing itunes for the song "Institutionalized:" the Suicidal Tendencies song from 1984, featured In the Repo Man soundtrack. She found the lounge version, which came out in the swingin' nineties, and the ST version.

We listened to both versions, frankly, I like both. I heard the Original in about 85, 86. And, well, at the age of 15-16 I thought it was...(I'm not holding back) amazing. Then ten years later, after grunge and "alternative" became completely bland; the lounge version sounded refreshing.

I can't put my finger on why I still like the song, it isn't nostalgia.

The song ends, the wife looks at me and asks "should I buy the whole album?"

me: "Why?"

her: "I like the song, why not the album?"

me: "why do you find 'Institutionalized' so appealing?"

her: "It is soothing."

She bought the album. I asked her to put in on her ipod, so I could listen to it at work. I listened to it that same night and...I found it kind of disturbing and gory. I was glad I had Kate Wolf to listen to afterwards to bring me down.

She finds it soothing, who am I to argue; I like Joy Division when I want to wind down.

I have to admit, I am slightly disturbed, that a 37 year old mom and High School teacher is suddenly interested in early eighties hardcore. Now that I have written that I don't find it so odd. Maybe, I find it odd because I was listening to that stuff back when I was sixteen and...messy.

Charlie Climbing Window

2007-12-18T22:09:00.000-08:00

So, I would like it to be known that I am not posting this picture because I think that my son is incredibly good looking, talented, and amazing. Seriously, I am not one to endlessly gush about how great my kids are, and post tons of pictures of them. Other bloggers can do that.

But..when it is warranted...like now...it must be done.
He got up there himself; someday I am going walk into his room he will say "Hi, dad" I will look around for a minute then find him hanging out in the corner of the room...on the ceiling!

To Restrain Or Not...

2007-12-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

As I was digging through a box of Christmas lights, that I had brought down from the attic, I found this Elmo toddler leash. I can make a pretty good guess as to how it landed in there. Hide it so no one knows, not even me, that we own one.

I did not pay much mind to it, I thought our days of using one were over. We bought it for our trip through the Alaska's inside passage on three different Alaska Ferries. Note, in the picture you can see the one-and-a-half year old wearing the harness, the leash is taut; also note the railing of the ferry. What I imagine the builders of the ferry thinking when they put this railing in. "Well....if parents bring their toddlers on board they had better pay attention to what they are doing...cause we aren't putting railings in that would keep a toddler from mindlessly climbing through and falling into the icy waters below."
I argued against the harness until I saw that it was necessary.

Upon seeing the newly uncovered harness, DW (dear wife), began speculation on how we could use it on Charlie.
Ugh not again; we are not going on any ferry trips soon, I thought.
"We have no use for it." I said.
"Think about the holiday market." she countered. "All those people, lots of breakable merchandise; he could get lost."
I thought about it.

My first thought "If other people are as judgmental as I am.... I could not take all those disapproving looks"

Of course other peoples opinions don't matter as much as the safety of your child. However, more importantly, the "safety" of my child does not matter as much as my parenting philosophy, which, prohibits the use of these restraints.......any reasonable person can see that.......right?

I bolstered my argument, when I pointed at that Chaz would render the thing useless, by sitting down and crying because he can't move around and would have to be picked up anyway. So, why bother?

DW put it on him anyway, and Chaz thought it was pretty funny, until he tried to run into the kitchen, DW was keeping him from doing so. I unclasped the leash and Chaz ran away laughing.

"Be free child be free."

Opinion in favor of Child Harness and leashes.

Here is another pic of me, my daughter and my mom on a ferry in Alaska's inside passage.

Charlie Speaks

2007-12-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

One of the things that is great about watching a child grow up is their language acquisition. Chaz, these days, has an ever expanding vocabulary; he shows preference: I like this, I don't like this.

On our recent trip to my homeland (the glorious, if not slightly maligned, Salt Lake Valley) Chaz showed his preference for things in several ways. When we arrived at the airport in Portland he took one look at the place and said "I don't like this house." I did not try to explain the difference between a house and an airport, I know he would not care, obviously he knows a house is a building, and an airport is a building he does not like.

After being in the air for an hour....or so, and we landed in Boise (I'M GOIN' TO BOISE........) Chaz announced that he was done. "I'm done" he said, he said it several times just so everyone would know. We stayed on the plane because it was SLC that we were headed for but not Boise.

The next morning, at my sisters house, he woke up and looked out the glass door at my sisters snow covered back yard and said "uh oh." The kid has seen snow ,but it was such a long time ago, I am sure that it is too distant a memory for him to know that it is cold and wet. It is hard for me to guess what he thought, obviously, he thought that the snow is wrong.

On our trip back to Portland Chaz showed his distaste for airplanes by saying " I don't like this Helicopter" Helicopter sounded more like helliopter, it took me a minute to decipher what he said. Why he identified it as helicopter instead of an airplane I will never guess, it's not as if we see many more of them than we do of airplanes.

2007-12-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

My Grandfather passed away last Thursday (November 29th). My wife had stayed home to help with a sick child when I heard the news. We went from quiet morning to trying to pull off a last minute trip to Salt Lake City.

I am not a really stoic person. I am not uncomfortable about crying but, if there is stuff to be done, I will do it, even if I have tears in my eyes. I will mow the lawn and sob instead of sit on the couch and sob. So, there I was on Thursday making plans to travel, taking care of kids, wife, house, cats, chickens and trying to manage a flood of emotions, and memories of my Grandfather.

One of the thoughts I had, that I became fixated on, was something that I am sure other exmormons might be able to relate to; how to go to an L.D.S. funeral and pay tribute to a beloved relative without getting all hung up on how you disagree with all the dogma.

It was a real concern, I pictured myself sitting there in the chapel listening to one of my relatives talk about the afterlife while I cringe. Over the next couple of days I convinced myself that I could sit there in that pew without cringing.

This was my Grandfather after all. If he were in my position how would he have dealt with it? He would put aside his prejudices and just do it, and he would do it while being kind to everyone around him. I always felt valued by him, regardless of how freaky I looked when I was a teenager. Sure, he made comments about my ripped black jeans and my spiky hair, but he betrayed his true feelings by the hug he always gave me and the way he would smile when I would show up at family gatherings; gatherings I often did not want to be at because of the awkwardness.

Naturally, this awkwardness increased for me when I left the Mormon church. I know that it was disappointing for him to not see his first Grandson go a mission, even then, he did not let on how disappointing it was. If I could give him that satisfaction in return for the respect and love he that he has shown me and my wife and kids over the years I would put aside my disbelief and go just for him.

What I did for him, instead, was bring my family to Salt Lake for his memorial. And at the funeral, when prayers were offered I bowed my head and listened, when hymns were sung, I sang; when my mom and two uncles talked about seeing him in the heaven, I did not engage in an imaginary debate, with them about whether heaven is a pretend place or a real place.

Not only did this exercise make it easier to be at the funeral but it made it easier for me to talk to my relatives no matter how brief the exchange was.

It feels like a small token; somehow too me just being civil with my aunt, uncle's and cousins does not seem like enough. We all have lives of course, for more than one of us, those lives are vastly different and only intersect when someone passes away. Frankly, I do wish it were not like that, I would not mind having relationships with them that are as easy as they were when we were all kids playing in the woods on a camping trip.

And wouldn't it be a fitting memorial to a grandfather who cared about his grand kids to have them all talking to each other?

Goodbye Grandpa, I miss you.

Alfred Carl Nielsen
Alfred Carl Nielsen 1917 ~ 2007 Alfred Carl Nielsen passed away on November 29, 2007 in Salt Lake City, Utah at the age of 90.He was born on November 9, 1917 in Castle Dale, Utah to Alfred C. Nielsen and Mabel Ruth Steele. He married Lucy M. Springer on March 13, 1945 and was later sealed in the Salt Lake Temple on November 15, 1945. He served in the Pacific in the Navy during World War II. He then joined the Army Air Corps later the Air Force and served in the Korean War. He retired from the Air Force on June 1, 1965. Alfred was active in the LDS church. He served a mission in California and later with his wife in England. He served in numerous callings including branch presidencies and bishoprics, Temple Square Host, the Church History Museum, and as an ordinance worker in the Salt Lake Temple. He was always willing to help those in need. Alfred is survived by his wife of 62 years, Lucy M. Springer, children: A. Carl (Elizabeth), Marion Wilson, Larry (Marsha), Sheryl (Marc) Atkinson, Bryon (Julie), Robert (Lisa); sister, Ella Hoskins, 27 grandchildren and 35 great grandchildren. He is preceded in death by his parents and two brothers, Grant and Ross. Services will be held on Monday, Dec. 3, 2007 at 12 noon at the Brickyard Ward, 1111 E. Charlton (2800 So.), Salt Lake City, Utah. The family will receive friends on Sunday, Dec. 2, 2007 from 6-8 p.m. at Wasatch Lawn Mortuary, 3401 S. Highland Drive, Salt Lake City, Utah and before the services from 10:30-11:45 a.m. Interment will be held at Wasatch Lawn Memorial Park.

Happy Thanksgiving...

2007-11-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

I always feel a little guilty for the days leading up to Thanksgiving. We eat pretty well at our house, I don't mean steak and potatoes well, but we are far from starving.
Whenever my daughter tells me that she is starving, I tell her that she does not know what that word means, and probably will never experience starvation.

Our average dinner consists of a salad, some sort of stir-fry with lots of veggies and rice or potatoes, rice and a variety of beans. Sometimes I make an enchilada type dish or I will buy a roasted chicken for dinner.

Usually, there is enough left over for the adults to have a small portion of seconds, and my wife to take some for lunch the next day. Portions are not piles of food but small, probably a quarter of what you might get at a place like Applebees.

I felt the guilt start to come on when I did my first Thanksgiving shopping trip. My shopping cart was already pretty full when I went to look at the turkeys. The ten and sixteen pounders looked too small, I grabbed a 23 pound one and had to shuffle stuff around in order to get it in the cart.

It was then that I realized that I had enough food to feed a rather large family used to eating only rice for dinner. It was even more than enough for us; we were, by the way, only entertaining two other people.

The guilt stems from the idea that, normally I have enough, but on Thanksgiving it turns to more than enough. Is this a way for me to give thanks? To sit and over-eat while I know that there are thousands of people who can't conceive of what I eat on an average day. That I am lucky enough to not have to suffer in the way that the malnourished suffer?

I will feel grateful, when I will realize, that I have not had to grocery shop for a week and a half because of all the leftover turkey.

2007-11-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has read this blog knows that I am not in the least judgmental.....so,

I read an article written by a relatively new Stay at home dad, former New York Times foreign correspondent Charlie Leduff

His experiences as a Stay At Home Dad are pretty typical, turned away at the Yoga studio, (did not happen to me) hanging out with the nannies at the playground. (I once went to a playground, with the daughter, where the only person who would carry on a conversation with me was a cute, young, French au pair.)

I will stop myself before I fall into a pit of Hyperbole about how bad the social life of a SAHD is. (really bad acronym if you asked me) It really is not that bad.
The best part of the article, is the rebuttle from Judith Warner on her domestic disturbances blog.....It gets even better, The comments
were way better than her view that parents are engaged in some type of warfare.

The comment that I would like to comment on is this one:

I was a stay-at-home Dad, (ie S.A.D.) for 6 months. My wife, along with the wife of a good friend, had babies about the same time, and my friend and I decided we would pal around NYC taking care of our kids since we both have freelancing professions, and the wives have 9-to-5s.
We were not cut out for it. After 6 months, we both sprung for nannies, and I can tell you that the sound of the nanny arriving at 8am is like hearing Mozart playing live in my living room.
Please forgive the sexism, but changing diapers, making bottles, cleaning up spitup, bundling up baby, putting them to sleep, soothing their cries for 10-12 hours a day is just not a man’s work. At least not for this man. We began to resent our kids and our wives.
Nothing ever made us want to work harder than having kids - to work at our chosen professions, to provide. Every diaper became another 5 minues away from what we were supposed to be doing with our lives. A word of warning to potential S.A.D.s - you may not be cut out for it.

— Posted by UseProtection

Of course, I agree with this guy, some are just not cut out for parenting. Some people can't handle life outside of the everyday ego gratification they got from their high paying jobs. You start taking care of kids, you get judged for not being at work and you don't get a paycheck or a pat on the back for all your hard work. (This is the extreme judgmental side of me.)

His mistake is assuming that one can be cut out for parenting....No one is cut out for parenting....It may come easier for some, but it is something you have to work at and nothing can really prepare you for it.

Dude, you just gave up to early the first six months are the hardest.

Kid Story

2007-10-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

The four-year-old daughter loves dance, so much, that for the past couple of years we have had her in several dance classes. Her appetite for dance is insatiable. Her little brother has tagged along to all of her classes and, also wants to dance .

He is not nearly as coordinated or graceful as the the three and four year olds in his sisters class, but has at least as much passion. His dancing consists of running around in a circle and occasionally a simulated leap. (As much of a leap as a toddler can manage) He ends up on the floor a lot, being almost two falling down is de rigueur, it does not phase him in the least.

The few times which he has successfully invaded his sisters class, and the dance teacher allows him to stay, the girls generally don't mind him but they often just think he is so cute, they end up too distracted to keep dancing.

Maybe he can take this lesson into his teenage years; girls love a guy who really wants to know ballet.

Two Good Wheels

2007-10-15T10:15:00.001-07:00

One of the reasons I wanted to move to Eugene was it's bike ability. Eugene is a relativley small city, it is easy to get around on a bike, plus there are several designated bike routes. My goal has been to use the bike instead of the car whenever I can to run errands. So far, we have been doing pretty well.

This goal is not a recent goal for me, it is something I have been thinking about for years. When I was a kid, pre-drivers lisence I got around either by foot or bicycle all the time. Of course when I turned sixteen it was all about cars too me. I lived in a suburb and for fun me and my friends would go to Salt Lake City. When I finally moved there I was still in "car mode;" I would drive places that were only a five or ten minute walk away.

I would return home feeling stressed; I would sulk into my apartment with my groceries and listen to Ministry. I would sit there in my black clothes and think about how great it was that I did not have to drive so far to get to my favorite dance club.

Then one day, I realized that I did not have to drive. I walked to the store, it was liberating. I did not have to find parking, I didn't have sit there and wait to turn left. (these were all very stressful things for me. I was a nervous driver. I used to get really upset that other people thought that they could drive in front of , behind and to the side of me; or drive at all while I was using the road.) None of that concerned me while I walked.

When I arrived home with my bag of groceries I felt so good, I did not want to sulk inside with my Ministry tape (yes, that was before cd's were all the rage and way before mp3's) Soon enough, if it was close, I walked to my destination. Eventually I rode my bike to destinations that were further away.
One of the first things that I noticed was that distances were not nearly as far as I had originally thought and I got to know the city a lot better.

For two or three years I did not even own a car. When I eventually did buy another car I was already used to getting places on foot so, I only used the car for long trips. Like going to San Francisco or New York.....heheh....or more interesting and fun places like Canyonlands National park and Yellowstone.

Of all the reasons I chose to, and choose to, get around by bike the environmental reasons are minuscule. (If I were really hard core, I would not even use a bike, the metal and rubber had to come from somewhere and will eventually end up in a landfill)

It really is about ease and pleasure for me. Plus it is about the only exercise I get on a regular basis

Mike: Desert Explorer

2007-10-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

My Brother -in- law lives in Moab Utah where he is able to go out and explore. I am fairly jealous. He has told me several times that he would take me out on one of his trips; I will take him up on that someday.

This is the text of an email he sent; there is a link at the bottom for his Flickr page.

I just got back from a great journey out into the San Rafael Desert; meeting with Chris Schiller, who was just coming up from Natural Bridges and a visit with Dave and Peggy, and (briefly) Mike Painter.

We met at the little kiosk where the dirt road splits to either Hans Flat and the Maze, or north toward Horseshoe Canyon and Green River, both arriving within ten minutes of each other--not bad given the distance/terrain. The dirt road was generally in decent shape, but got a bit more rugged as we passed the Horseshoe Canyon turnoff, following alongside of a wash on the sage plains with little sign of the canyons that cut deeply into the seemingly sandy desert.

We located our turn-off, parking the vehicles for our trek into Moonshine Canyon, as suggested by Chris a little while ago, one that I hadn't heard of before (and then saw a picture taken by Aaron Ralston at his talk last week of this same canyon). The weather couldn't have been better for a slot canyon hike--zero clouds and a reasonably cool day (there was frost on the windshield when I left Moab), the temps getting to maybe the mid-seventies. Perfect.

We noted another vehicle down the side road a bit, hard to believe, but it looked like someone else had the same destination. Oh well.

We simply headed overland until we came to an opportune drainage, which in turn led us right into the canyon that we sought--which at this point was a medium sized wash with walls of thin rock strata layers.

We indeed located two pairs of fresh footprints in the sand.

The wash quickly started to go deeper, usually by the big steps of pour-offs, many of which included some pretty massive chokestones to get over and down from. The plunge pools below started dry, but as we got further into this deepening gorge, they got slick first, then had over-the-boot deep water, making the going with dry feet a challenge (we both maintained dry socks!).

We stopped for a snack, and poked around a little side canyon; it didn't go very far until each of it's two branches became vertical. Soon after resuming our journey, Chris noted that the pair of prints we had been following were gone. Strange--neither of us noticed any "escape" out of the deep canyon, and we didn't pass anyone.

The narrows run out after you pass under an old sheepherders bridge--I doubt highly that I'd try to cross it myself. We followed for another hour maybe, meandering in a beautiful scoured drainage lined by the constantly changing character of the sandstone walls--sometimes smooth and curving, with huge water streaks running down the vertical walls, sometimes highly textured by strata or water and wind. Awesome.

After debating for a second, we decided we needed to head back up the canyon to get back to the vehicles before dark. It was a hoot climbing back up and over all the obstacles we came down, stemming over the narrow canyon by wedging ourselves between the two walls and shimmying our way along. We once again noticed the two sets of tracks that didn't belong to us--still no sign of where the owners went, or how they got out of the canyon.

We had no trouble finding our way back to the vehicles and a couple of almost cold beers--and noticed the other car down the road was gone. Weird. Chris made a great red bean, rice, sausage and salad dinner, and we chilled out until we had our fill of shooting stars and the getting-cold air.

We woke this morning to a colorful sunrise, and absolute silence.

We went our separate ways after some more chatter, including the idea of checking out sites for AFXII--possibly near Goblin Valley/Little Wildhorse Canyon--Chris might have more to say later.

The ride home was great, a slow journey over the San Rafael River and on to Green River, then the frontage "road" along the freeway to Clay Hills, finally hitting the pavement by the Moab airport, only fifteen miles from home. I even got to meet Collette for lunch before going home and getting mauled by the dogs--who would have never made it through the obstacles of the surprisingly pretty slot canyon.

some pix can be found:

Pictures

Us and Them

2007-10-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

After spending the last ten years sort of practicing meditation I finally decided to become more serious and start attending services at a Zen temple. So far, I have been happy with the choice I made.

There have been times ,though, that I wonder why it is so important to me to belong to a religious community and to even explore "spirituality" ( I really don't like using this term; mainly because it seems to be so vague. What the heck is spirit any way and what do all these various practices have to do with it.)

I always just put it up to my L.D.S upbringing. I was so concerned for so long that I adhere to all of the commandments, directions and prophets; that even after leaving the L.D.S. church it was inevitable that I continue to want to perfect myself. Figuring out what God is and what God wants seemed to be the way to go in order not to go to Hell.

Recently, I decided to take the next step in Zen and commit myself to it as full-time practice. I feel that I have done this already, now I am making it official. What is odd for me is, now, in my little un-enlightened lizard brain, I have recognized the us and them mentality. I had this before, it just was not as prevalent. The challenge of course, and the Buddhists emphasize this, is to take on the path and learn that there is only us.

The L.D.S. church seems to emphasize that there is an us and there is a them and we must work to make the them an us. Not being much of a salesman, this mentality made me pretty uncomfortable, so much so, that when it came time for me to put my Missionary papers in, I split.

I learned over the years, or told myself, that everyone is OK how they are and it is totally up to the individual how they conduct themselves. I still have this lingering thought though, that if everyone wants to be happy they should all become Buddhists.

It Is The Carter Family's Fault.

2007-10-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

I blame the Carter family.

When my mother- in- law visited a couple of months ago she observed how I get Chas to take his naps. I sit in our recliner, rock him back and forth and sing to him from Rise Up Singing; a collection of popular and folk songs.

Up to this point, the only people who were privileged to hear my voice have been my wife and kids; None of them have complained about my singing. ( I am really not too bad.)

Before I started, my mil stated that I could not really carry a tune. My mil and I get along so well that I was not a bit bothered by the comment and I began singing Sound Of Silence (Simon and Garfunkel) . I mean it's folk music right how can I really mess that up?

Well, OK, if I were singing say...some of the songs the Carter family made famous you could not say I was messing it up. They sang the way they would sing in church, which is about my level of ability. They may have been great singers in their time but just about everyone, regardless of skill sang. On the other hand, Simon and Garfunkel's music is much more refined, to sing one of their songs even sort of well, takes practice.

So my mil has a point, I can't carry a tune but compared to whom. I listen to music a lot and I sing along, loudly, to whatever is playing and I know the words to many of the songs. Most of the singers I listen to have much stronger vocal ability than me, of course being the pros that they are, probably have to practice and some probably have access to voice enhancers.

What do I blame the Carter Family for? I blame them for becoming radio stars and recording artists. Granted back when they were playing the recording industry was very different. I am only guessing that the general public new the songs the Carters were performing and also sang their own variations at home and at church.

The difference between the Carter Family and the general public though, was that the Carters were being paid for what they did so, were able to refine their style. They made it possible for other aspiring musicians to become professionals and of course every new generation of musician became better and better so that eventually their musical abilities are much more refined than their audiences abilities.

Now days, many of us are mere consumers of music and would not even try to make it ourselves. Why bother, we would never be as good as a lot of artists who probably spend years training their voices, before they ever record. I don't think the Carters had vocal coaches and they would resent the blame I am resting on their heads. If they had not made that first recording we all might still be singing.

Fall Is Here .....and no where else

2007-09-30T14:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had a Fall day.
The day started out cool and cloudy and despite our plans to stay home we ended up driving around on Forest service roads.

We started out by going to a local theme farm where three Alpaca breeder's had their Alpacas on display. After Charlie tried to climb into the Alpaca pens several times we took the kids to the farms playstructure. Upon leaving the farm we decided to find a restaurant but ended up driving into the woods.

We did not really know where the road would take us (other than up into the hills and the clearcuts), We did not have cell phones and we were low on gas.

Even though I assured my wife that we would be fine she remained unconvinced and hungry.

Sadly nothing exciting happened; we did not get shot at, run out of gas or get taken hostage by hillbillies; Charlie did fall asleep. We made it home in one piece just in time for it to start raining. We had our first fire of the cold, wet season.

Burma

2007-09-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am saddened today about the actions of Burma's (Myanmar) military junta.

I watched the news with hope that the Buddhist monk's protest would continue but I feared that the military would......well....act like a military and crack down.

The monks, I am sure, knew what they would face by standing up to the government but protested anyway.

According to most reports the only way for the military to stop the monks was to actually detain them at their temples.

All I can do is hope that in the end few lives are lost and the people of Burma will have their democratically elected government instead of what they have now.

"Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive." - Thich Nhat Hahn

More news of Burma

Could I Have An Interpreter Please

2007-09-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

I was busy with some child, household or computer thing the other day; when Charlie comes in and starts emphatically clapping his hands and rubbing his belly. The belly rub, in our house, is the universally accepted sign for "please."

But the clapping I did not recognize, fortunately I have an in house sign language interpreter.

"Ruthie! Ruthie please come in."

Ruthie ran in all out of breathe.

"Yes Daddeee"

"would you please tell me what Charlie wants?"

Charlie did the hand thing again this time for his sister.

"He wants a tortilla with cheese"

After producing the tortilla with cheese it was clear that it was what Chas wanted. He walked to the table smiling.

I just know that, without the sign language interpreter, we would have had a crises of monumental order. " All I wanted was a cheese tortilla, you wouldn't give it to me and now I am in an institution."

A Trip To Deseret

2007-09-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

My Friends Sara and Colin, along with their two lovely children, are on an expedition to the Land Of My Birth .

I have not heard much form them yet but she did post a quiz on her blog.

It is obvious from a couple of her questions that they took some of my sight seeing advice. Also it sounds like Park City is actually large enough now to be part of greater Los Angeles.

Missed Connection

2007-09-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

I saw you in my rear view mirror as I headed west on I-80. Your buildings, towered over by the mountains, glimmered in the cloudless summer morning heat. You were beautiful and inviting but still, I made up my mind to leave.

I grew up with you; supported by your church taught by your schools. I found calm in your mountains and parks. Even when I discarded your church I found bars and coffee shops and other ways of finding meaning; you offered much. I had to leave, you did not seem to mind.

It's amazing how so much can change in just a few years but remain the same. I thought about you a lot, it was hard living where I decided to live and, at times, I wanted desperately to come back. I missed the clean streets, the snow, being in the mountains. Would you have me? Would I belong? Or would it just be too awkward? I am too different, it seems shallow to say, but your beer is ......well..... just too weak.

Now, I am living in another completely different town and... I don't really want you anymore. I miss your dry climate during our gray winter days but I would rather just visit. You probably already know that I am not coming back and maybe you don't miss me either. Maybe we can be friends and I could come for a visit once in a while.

Another Summer Gone

2007-09-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Chas (the one year old) and I saw Kyle (the eleven year old) off at the Portland airport. The two-and-a-half hour drive gives us plenty of time to talk and rehash all of our issues.

Kyle spent some of the time telling me that he did not want to go back to his moms, which is hard for me to hear because I would rather have him here.

This evil side of me (believe me, the evil side is fairly significant.) likes to hear that he does not really want to spend any time with his mom; this is something he told me frequently this summer.

He explained to me that the goals he has for himself are not in sync with what his mom wants for him (my words not his), so she chooses to down play and ignore them.

I am not surprised by this; she seems to be of the ilk that wants her child to like what she likes and do what she wants him to do.

It is a dilemma for me, when I hear him confirming what I already feared I want to swoop in and just take him away from her.
On the other hand I think that this transition thing is stressful and he is just expressing it. Going from house to house was much less stressful for him when we were doing it every week. The change was less drastic. Now, with half of his family living so far away, the change is huge. It is more like a visit; we don't refer to it that way of course, (he has his own room and some of his stuff is here.) but it can't be denied that being here for less than three months is more like vacation than just plain life.

Frankly, I miss just having him around

Let's Call Burning Man, Disneyland

2007-08-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

I say let him burn!

I find it ironic, that at the festival where thousands of people go, so that they can be spontaneous and not quite so boring; this burning man inmate gets convicted and fined for being spontaneous and not quite so boring.

Wayne the quasi-adult

2007-08-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

At the age of 36 I still am not completely assured that I am an adult. (Does anyone else have this feeling? ) Aside from being old enough to legally buy beer and pornography; what do we do that gives us adult status?

Recently, I took Kyle on a canoe trip with the Boy Scout troop he joined. We paddled down the Willamette River about fifty-miles in three days. The difference between the boys (most of them elven-years-old) and the adults was obvious, we (the adults) were pretty intent on paddling safely along without trouble; the boys wanted to be in the water.

One break we took on the first day, the boys found some fast moving water and with their PDF's still on, jumped in, and let the current carry them down; myself and one other adult were the only ones to jump in too. The other adult was a mom.

The other men busied themselves with looking at the route we were taking and discussing the amount of time it would take for us to get where we needed to be before nightfall; none of them took the plunge into the river. (maybe it was the three eyed fish)

As I over-analyzed this, the feeling that I am not grown up and serious enough came up. The fact, also, that I was the only adult- male in the water made me question my manliness.

heh---yer a stay at home dad......

Yes, even renegades, such as my self, question and worry about fitting neatly into gender and age related roles.

One aspect of Adulthood, that I am sure of, is the ability to think of the well being of others before yourself. Becoming a parent often forces those of us who have not reached that ability to do that. The conclusion I came to was: I had to jump into the river, so I could make sure it was safe and so the boys could see that adults could appreciate the same type of fun.

Why I left Mormonism

2007-07-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

I admit it, I am sure this will clear everything up once and for all why I am no longer L.D.S. (Latter Day Saint). It was "Plan 10 From Outer Space" that really did it.

If you have never seen it even this review won't really explain it, so here is a link to IMDB
Note: read the comments.

It was plan 10 that really illustrated to me how silly Mormonism is (just writing this makes me squirm). The belief that god lives on a planet called Kolob is a belief that many mainstream "Saints" might not be aware of. Sure, even when I considered myself a faithful saint I thought this Idea of Kolob was a little strange, like something out of a Star Trek movie.

After seeing this very campy, yet funny in a off-kilter sort of way, Science Fiction take on some of the odd Mormon beliefs. I realized how much some of my beliefs were off kilter, funny and science fictiony things. And could I, this cynical, Urbane, kid who wears black, is very cool oh so serious and not nerdy(I did not play dungeon and dragons, am not an out of the closet Trekkie) in anyway, really hold religious beliefs that seem strangely like Lord of the Rings and the old Battle Star Galactica. The answer is no.

As is predicted by many a True believer in the Mormon Church once you harbor the first doubt it is impossible to turn back; this did happen with me. The further you get away from the church, the more doubts you harbor, eventually it becomes impossible to go back.

I started looking for a religion I could take seriously. I read Buddha's first noble truth: "Life is suffering." Whoever said that was serious, I remember thinking. They even wear black to worship in. According to my standards that meant that they were not joking around.

Boy, was I wrong.

(Those Monks are Tibetan; I think they may laugh more than Zen monks. )

Before and After

2007-06-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

So, the other day I was lurking around the Recovery From Mormonism discussion board when I came across a post from someone who is in the midst of leaving the L.D.S church. His question was without the church what keeps us going everyday. Everyone responded differently, naturally. I gave him my list of random things that keeps me going Gardening was one of them.

I am not "the gardener" in our house, that title belongs to my wife. I am the grunt; I do what she asks plus other things that are obviously needed; like pulling weeds, getting rid of Ivy, and trimming our little forest.

One of our main reasons for having a garden is for the food. We grow and preserve what ever we can, I try to limit what I cook to what is available out there and our reasons go way beyond "just becuase we can." All of our reasons fall into these categories Economics, social, ecological, and environmental some may make sense to others for example in the long run it is cheaper for us to grow our own food. We have our beleifs about why we grow our food and those beleifs keep us going even if they are just fiction, besides the end result is that we have food on our table and that is the most important and concrete.

Teaching in Eugene

2007-05-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am a bit frustrated. I am not a teacher or the parent of a High school student; I am, however the husband of a high school teacher. Having been the spouse of a teacher for seven years I think that I would be used to the abuse that teachers get and could just be loving toward my wife when she gets home and not be upset about all the stuff she has to deal with.

....No, it is not that easy.

I am guessing that the only people that are reading this blog, who live in Eugene, already know my wife and have maybe heard the story. Please pass this on, hopefully, any parents who have kids going into the public schools will read it.

When I met her she was just finishing up her B.A. In Math education at UC Santa Cruz; not only did she graduate with honors but was well liked by her professors and fellow students. She was passoinate about teaching, especially, to those who did not have much social capital.
She chose to get her credential at Mills College in Oakland; one of the top two teaching schools in California.

She graduated from Mills and went straight to teaching at a middle school in our neighborhood. Though is was difficult she did well and so did her students. She taught there for five years then moved to Eugene. She has been teaching High school for the past year and things have not been going well for her.

Within the first couple of months she had several (seems that way from my perspective) students request to drop her class. She had parents complaining about her banning calculators and that their kids were not passing. This seemed to go on for some time with her coming home feeling depressed and incapable of teaching. She also did not feel that she was getting support from her principle but when asked how her department head felt, she would perk up and say that her department head liked her.

Finally, at some point in January, a retired math teacher came in to observe her class. Her report was that she was doing a great job and is a competent math teacher. That lifted her spirits for some time and things were much better for a few months. Now that the school year is winding down one would think that things would get better. She is having more kids dropping her classes, she has had one really difficult parent conference, and has been coming home in tears almost every day.

Granted, I am not a student in her class, I am biased. The only times that I have directly experienced her teaching is when she helped me with my algebra classes and when she tutored our eleven year old. ( I passed with an A, and my son knows his multiplication tables and is doing well in his pre algebra classes.)

When she comes home feeling like dirt and tells me that her students are just smirking at her because they know that mom and dad will pull them from her class if they blame her for their bad grades; it puts me into a very bad mood. She had one parent insist that she be suspended from teaching.

It just seems so utterly pathetic to me. How can they really be blaming her for their kids failure? If their kids are not doing well they need to look at what their kids are doing wrong and look at what they are doing wrong. Teachers are professionals they have studied what they are teaching and are aware of the standards.

Maybe things will be easier next year.

Rampant Animal Abuse

2007-05-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, the title does suggest that the end is near, the sky is falling.....( I don't really think that)

What does this article say about our society. Is this an isolated problem, geographically speaking, or is this type of thing something that happens all over.

15 goats in herd grazing on brush shot, killed

The Bay Area has not had a mass shooting like those in Columbine and Virginia tech for reasons I can only speculate about. And the explanations for those events were that the killers were disturbed. Senseless killings happen there, one of the consolations for some of Bay area residents is that shooting victims are usually gang members. Why does it make a difference? Sure if you are not involved in that life you are less likely to get shot. However if someone can just shoot a bunch of goats what is to prevent them from doing the same to people?

What leads people to do this sort of thing? Is it boredom? Lack of self respect? It could be any number of reasons. It comes down to the availability of a weapon.

Why My Four Year Old Never Sleeps

2007-05-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

Me: Ruthie, you look tired!

Ruthie: I can't sleep.

Me: But I saw you sleeping last night.

Ruthie: I was just resting my eye's.

Me: Why don't you like to sleep?

Ruthie: Because it makes my brain die.

Well, there ya go.

Am I a slacker mom?

2007-05-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

I did that "what type of mom are you survey?" according to them I am a Zen mom. That their survey found that I am zen was not surprising but I am still not a mom.

Mothers Day

2007-05-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

Mothers day at our house is a relatively quiet affair. The kids are still a bit young to really do anything for her and Charlie still does not know that he and mommy are not the same people.

I wish the wife a happy Mothers day then she calls her mom and I call mine.

What do I really know about my Mother? She brought six kids into the world; she wanted more.
She wanted to be a full time homemaker but by the time her last child was 3 years old she had to get a job.
That was disappointing to her for several reasons; She really believed that her place was at home making sure all six of her kids and her husband had an orderly place to live and healthy food to eat. From my perspective that is not such a bad thing to want even though her choice was heavily influenced by her religion, that is part of why it was devastating for her to have to work full time.

I was not a particularly bad kid; I always went to school, I would not have ever dreamed of missing church, i n that way she never really had to worry about me. What did cause her concern was that despite my good attendance at school my grades were always really low. (If you have read enough of my postings you may notice that my ability to punctuate is suspect).

Things got harder as I entered my teens. I struggled with depression and my (pop-psychology moment) self-esteem was low. I am not sure how much of this she was aware of. Moms, even dads, are pretty aware of how their kids are; it is what to do when your kids problems seem more complex than just hungry.

As I aged I became more interested in dance clubs, doing funny things with my hair and wearing black; I am positive that this made her worry. I don't know that she suspected it, but I do know that my school principle and maybe some people at church thought I was doing drugs. (I never tried anything until I was about 21.) By the time I was 16 my mom seemed pretty overwhelmed, not just by me, but by the demands of her other kids, my dads depression and suicide attempts, her job and probably by her wish that life would just go the way a faithful Mormons life should. (husband makes decent money, mom does not have to work out of the home.) Mom seemed to weather all of this fairly well. There were times when I could tell that she was sad; mostly, when there was bad news she would sigh and keep going.

When I did not go on an L.D.S. mission, I am almost positive that what insulated her from disappointment was that she must have realized that her kids were going to do what they chose regardless of what anyone else wanted. And the best that she could hope for, for me, was that
I would end up a happy, ethical, person with kids who she could visit. I have happily provided this for her and I can tell she is happy because when she visits she does not give me that disappointed look then sigh and walk away.

A Reply For The Alpha Mom

2007-05-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the wonderful comment you left in reply to A View From The Non-Alpha Male.

At the end of your comment you asked: "Why are people so quick to judge."

I said that the Register-Guard article rubbed me the wrong way then did not articulate the reasons. I just went ahead as any bully would do and just put in that I would like to vandalize your house. My reaction was more to the article than it was to you so, maybe I should just puke on it. (it went into the recycle bin like all the other old papers)

From the article I perceived you as being someone who feels as successful as a parent as she felt at her career. Careers and parenting are, as I am sure you well know, completely different areas; not even comparable. The article suggested that you have pulled this parenting thing off with the help of technology and the ability to make play dough (Do you have a recipe for this? Is it edible?). This is why I judged you the way I did, that you commented the way you did, so early in the morning, makes me doubt my judgement.
To feel successful or even to have the appearance of being a successful parent is one that many parents covet. The marketing companies and diaper fabricators and the television companies know that and want to exploit it so that they can continue to be profitable. In my small family I have found that there is nothing that anyone can sell me that will make me feel on top of things. In fact technology tends to limit those precious parenting moments when you ...(gotta change a diaper) say " ahhh all is right with the world lets sing Khumbayah. " (We really did sing that yesterday)

Once you feel like you have a handle on things the rules change. One year Dr. Sears tells you that everything is fine and don't worry about your 6 month old's cough; then suddenly you are sitting in the principles office wondering why your 4th grader mouthed off to the teacher. (That happened; not with the same kid. There is nothing that can really prepare a person for parenting, I agree that some things can make it easier on a person: foolhardiness, confidence, a relaxed attitude, (yes the house is a wreck; but hey my kids are happy), someplace to get away from the house and relax (a good meditation hall works well for me).

With two kids at the ages of 1 and 4 (Same as mine) I am sure that you know quite well what I am talking about.

Two Wheels.....No, Four Wheels Good

2007-05-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was riding my bike with the kids in the Burley, I had a flashback. I was ten it was June, I was riding my bike down some road in West Jordan. I felt free like only a kid can feel.

In reality (yes, thats right, reality rears up it's ugly head) when I was ten I would not have been pulling a bike trailer with two kids whose combined weight is somewhere around sixty pounds.

I digress; on days when I justify using the car I am much more stressed out when I get home. Even driving here is not a big deal but time spent in the car, I find, is not nearly as relaxing or freeing as time spent on bike. In a car you don't get to take anything in, even the unpleasant stuff....like garbage in the creek, that is not such a problem.

I have railed on cars before (What a waste) I won't do it here. For a few minutes as I was riding the path along the creek I had a sense of Eugene as two separate cities ( of course in a city of 160,000? there are 160,000 different cities.) One that is car based (searching for parking spaces, waiting a traffic lights, buying gas etc) And one that is a little more relaxed; people getting around on bikes. Finding parking is not problem, all you need is something good to eat in order to fuel up. The exercise is usually enough to reduce stress. I know that Alpha is a lot happier now that she commutes to work everyday on her bike.

Daddy My Heart...

2007-05-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

"Daddy, my heart got out of my body and went away. It is walking down the street."

The four-year-old told me this after she waited too long for me to read to her and put her to bed.

A View FromThe Non-Alpha Male

2007-05-01T12:05:00.001-07:00

Alpha Mom?

I hope the link works. You have to read the article before my commentary.....

.......

Did you read it?

Ok this appeared in our little local newspaper, which, is not the NY Times or the Portland Oregonian. It does a pretty good job of giving us the news.

But this article just rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons...... I have to wonder if the guy who wrote it realizes how totally ridiculous it is. My first reaction to was just one of world weary sighs. Then I launched into my usual hyperbole.
A type people bother me anyway and then we have to read about them too....so naturally after reading about this woman's lifestyle (I feel sorry for her friends that the guy interviewed) The best action I could come up with was to go puke on her front porch.

Then I thought about it....I would first have to find out where she lives, then I would have to figure out when I would have time to do such a thing. (seems like a lot of work) Then I would have to figure out a mode of transportation, (take the bike and put the kids in the Burley...oh ya then I would have the kids with me. That would slow down the escape. Or drive the car, I could put the old California plates on the Vanagon) With the kids along I would have to plan to go to the park and bring snacks. Of course if I were to puke I would have to have a recently full stomach and I would be in need of food afterward. If I have the kids we will have have snacks and possibly go to a cafe near the park.

No, puking on her porch is way too much work; I suppose if I were an Alpha parent I might be able to pull it off and even have time to play the wii (whatever that is) afterward, while giving the chef and maid the week off. But I am just a low achiever with no real shopping goals or marketing directions.

Maybe I will just blog about it.

May Day

2007-05-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

Happy May day!!!

Go out an support your Union.

Unions are great things.....They gave us the eight hour work day and some of us the 5 day work week. But sometimes they just seem to get in the way.

As at home parent I don't really need a Union, I am almost constantly in negotiation with my bosses. Sometimes I am the unsympathetic Dictator and other times I am just a clueless war monger. (If your brother tries to take your toys, Ruthie, hit him back but I might have to intervene by imposing sanctions. Then when your military is at its weakest I will invade for made up reasons, depose you then.....wait she's my daughter.)

Seriously folks. My only real experience with unions is through my wife. When she started teaching for OUSD(Oakland Unified School District) Things were looking really good for us; The new superintendent was raising teacher pay. Just months into my wifes first year or so, oops! the district discovered that they had lost 100 million dollars!! The sup gets tossed out with the bath water, and replaced with state appointed administrator. The Union says "oh gosh, the teachers would love to help. Here we"ll take a 4% pay cut. But you have to promise and cross your heart that the pay will get raised to present levels."

Of course the pay was never readjusted and the teachers protested and, it seemed, the teachers were threatening a strike for the whole 5 years my wife taught in Oakland. It made me wonder why the union leaders were even there.

Finally, last year, the state administrator and the union came to an agreement. (just before we left Oakland and the administrator moved to SoCal) They would "raise" teacher pay by 6%. My Wife, the math teacher, after looking at the numbers assured me and everyone we knew that they had not really received a raise at all. (of course I realize that without divulging the numbers non of this makes much sense)
Chronicle Article

Again, I think unions are a great idea but sometimes they end up screwing the workers and not supporting them.

Charlie is climbing.

2007-04-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

Everything!!

A few weeks ago I heartily encouraged Charlie (the one year old) to climb the little "climbing wall" on the play structure at the park. Charlie more or less figured it out, he made it to the top, with a little help from me.

Either to impress me even more or he is just exploiting his new found skill to it's fullest; he has figured out that he can now climb the chairs and get on the kitchen table. While he was sitting on the table eating his sister's left over cereal I tried to explain to him that he was breaking the law. He just smiled and kept on doing what he was doing. I pulled him off the table and said "no more climbing on the table." he seemed intimidated....really.

The wife and I figure that he will continue to climb and eventually fall off. In thirty years he can work it out in therapy (sob.......why didn't they stop me.....sob)

Not my favorite way to spend Spring Break.

2007-03-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

I can remember all those years ago when I was in high school being excited about the prospects of Spring Break. Spending the whole week camping in Southern Utah or just hanging out with friends in town. Now Spring break is totally different.

One of the nice things about being a high school teacher the wife gets all the same breaks as the kids, so she has the week off. Last year we spent that week visiting Eugene OR to see if we wanted to move here. Then we visited her mom for the last couple of days before driving back to Oakland.

This time we are not having as much fun. On Monday I had a minor surgery that will hopefully prevent my wife from ever getting pregnant again. So, I have spent the last two days sitting around. (that does not sound so bad) I hate it, I would rather be spending my wife's time off traveling with her or actually getting a bunch of yard projects done.

Sure I am getting time off from taking care of the kids but it is difficult for me to not want to help out while my wife struggles to get things done and take care of the kids constant needs.

21st Century Girl

2007-03-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

Words that my three-year-old knows that I did not when I was six.

1) Sushi- This is number one. I knew about Chinese food, not Japanese. Of course in Utah no one that I knew of ate raw fish.

2) Cafe- Ok there were plenty of Cafes, at six I knew the word restaurant or Mc'Donalds. My daughters concept of cafe is very different from the one I had growing up. Cafes are where daddy gets lattes, which brings me to my next word.

3) Latte- I knew about coffee; to me it was something only Non-Mormons (bad people) drank. Lattes on the other hand were not something I knew anything about and I doubt that there was a single place in Utah( especially not Provo) in the mid seventies where one could be had. My six year old self would be utterly shocked that I partake of it.

4) cell phone- this one has less to do with culture and more to do with the advance of technology. I mean, my parents had no clue about PCs, VCRs etc.

I know there are many more words and concepts than this little list. I will re-post this when I hear them.

Wonders of Nature.

2007-03-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the Willamette river park way and took a walk. While we were walking past the playground, after Ruthanne finished protesting our not going directly to the playground, she asked: " why did they build the river next to the playground" I asked why she thought they did. She replied " Playgrounds are a good place for rivers because they are beautiful".

I then explained that The river was there long before the playground. "you mean, like, TEN YEARS!" Longer......(she was stumped) " A Hundred? " At least. Ten is a really long time to her... one hundred is forever.

What are televisions for?

2007-02-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

During my sons last visit to the Dr. He (the Dr.) explained that television is just plain bad for kids under three. I knew that the medical community has been urging parents to cut back the amount of hours that kids spend watching the tube but I did not know that they were suggesting none to the younger set.

His explanation is that TV gets in the way of a toddlers main job, exploring. Well this is not a problem in our house, we don't have a television and have no plans of getting one. The kids are absolutely free to explore, make a mess, chop wood clean floors....o0h ya and surf endlessly on the Internet for hours.

No we don't have television but we do have high speed dsl. The wife was sick the other day, she spent most of here time looking at things like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX_dGiPV6P8

She is not the only one guilty, in our house, of spending a lot of time on the Internet. I am here a lot and I am possibly more addicted to it than I was to TV, the amount of actual time is much less.( I used to spend hours in front of television)
Fortunately though this does not affect the kids as much. They are not terribly interested or enthralled with much of the content that I view. (mostly blogs) So, while I am sitting here reading short blog articles about someone else's kid's pooping habits; my kids are running around exploring the medicine cabinet.......oooops.

I Miss Oakland

2007-02-15T12:37:00.000-08:00

Let me qualify that statement; I don't miss the loud cars, the traffic the thugs on High street and in city hall. (Maybe with Ron Dellums this will change, I did vote for him with the hope that he would bring some unity to this diverse city. (Real diversity is a difficult thing, especially when people would rather stick their tongues out at anyone whom is slightly different than have a civil conversation or debate.))

I digress, I don't miss being in traffic for four hours a day, and I don't miss Kyles mom. Mainly I miss all the people who were friends or becoming friends. I miss the East Bay Dads (and Camille), they are always good for breaking the isolation of full time parent hood and helping to expand your beer pallette. So far there is no Eugene dads, the two or three at home dads I have met did not seem at all interested in getting together. They seemed to enjoy being the ground breaking maverick at the Library story time. (This is where parents "network")

I miss the neighborhood playgroup, possibly filled with the hippest moms in the known universe. We almost never talked about accessorizing the baby or compared prices on strollers; if ever anyone bragged about a baby gear find it was because they got it for free or from GoodWill. The few moms that I have met don't seem interested in including us in any of their activities.

Ironically, a couple of the coolest parents I have met are also "from" the bay area. Could it be, that living in a place where there is so much negative crap going on, it makes you more willing to accept and even befriend someone who is a bit different?

All About the One year old.

2007-02-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

Charlie is now a bit past his 13 month birthday. (Strange how we classify babies birthdays; I mean, at 35 when you are asked how old you are you don't reply: " I'm Four-hundred-twenty Months old.") I didn't get it and I could not keep track with the first two kids. It's easier for me now) They change a lot from month to month besides when someone asks, especially another parent, it is a point of pride to tell them your kids age while they watch your child flawlessly run circles around their 14 month old. ( parents are not known to brag about their child's development. ("little Charlie is only thirteen months old and he has climbed Kilimanjaro, did I mention the counter-proof he wrote on string-theory.")

At 35 change does happen but is so subtle that it takes work to notice it. We don't always notice that we are changing until it seems huge. (nothing really drastic is happening. This blog was supposed to be about Charlie.)

Charlie started walking about a month before his first birthday and has gone form walking to running, dancing and spinning in circles. (funny how babies resemble Dead-Heads) When I took Chas to his one month check-up, the Doctor handed me one of those development check-listies. ( Does your child pick up things and put those things in things? Has your child figured out how to take those plastic "safety locks" off the Poison cupboard doors? (Chas does this, I am embarrassed to say I am proud that he has thwarted mommy and daddies Fascist ways).

The Dr. asked me if Chas was walking with help, ( I had Chas on my lap). It took me a second to reply; when I eventually did I said "no." As the Doctor told that I should not worry, Chas would learn to walk without help; Chas jumped out of my lap and ran to the exam table to inspect the electrical chord and socket. (That kid has perfect timing)

There is so much more I could say but, right now, Charlie is stuck in his chair at the kitchen table demanding to be fed.

blogging

2007-02-03T07:31:00.000-08:00

As is usual for me, I have been trying to write a thought provoking entry on drinking during play groups, nothing is happening. " Are you dead upstairs"? you ask. Maybe because I haven't written anything in so long.......(Charlie be gentle with the cat!)...Crises averted.....where was I..hmmm... Oh ya .....(Ruthie! Put your diaper in the...No I don't want it....put in the garbage...in the ....you can you are a big girl) ....ok yes something thought provoking... The phenomenal and the absolute are two sides of the same thing, they are one mind...wait that's not it.

Something about why it is ok for parents to have a drink during playdates. Forget it, I need another cup of coffee. It's about socializing, it won't damage the kids if they see their parents drinking.
Unless, the parents are alcoholics of course; and the drinking is so excessive that the parents can't take care of the kids. Or let's say that people bring the kids to the "playdate" and plug their poor kids into the dvd player, and the only actual playing going on is between the parents.

Don't kill the poor kids brains, let them play, they will learn a lot more if they are free to run around.

Enough said.

Testimony Meeting

2006-12-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

(I have a few short stories I worked on during a writing class; here is one I would love to publish.)

I wanted to beleive .

The church choir sings "Put your shoulder to the wheel." The bishop prays. He welcomes the congregation to come up in turn to bare their testimonies. After a few long seconds they begin to trickle up.

I am sitting in the pew thinking about Darth Vader's army and wondering if their spaceship will make it here. What would happen if the Empire tries to take over Earth? Would Luke Skywalker and the Rebellion save us?

Church members get up and speak about how God has touched them. They talk about things they have done that make them feel they are not worthy of Jesus' love. Everyone has a slightly different story but they always find that they do deserve his love.

Darth Vader could not kill his son. He killed Emporer Palpatine in order to save him. Vader's love for his son brings him back to being Anakin again.

A little boy gets up to bare his testimony. His mom comes along to help. She whispers in his ear, then he speaks : "I know Joseph Smith is a true prophet. I know Jesus loves me. I am grateful for my mom." He then realizes that he is standing in front of the whole congregation and freezes up. His mom picks him up and carries him back to their pew.

I want to get up. I walk up the aisle take the stand and talk into the microphone.
" Darth Vader is just like Jesus." I say.
My face turns red, palms start to sweat. My stomach turns into a knot.

"He let himself die to save his son... Luke Skywalker is us!" The people in the fornt row give me unsure grins. The other boys in the congregation start to snigger.

I stop. The congregation is silent, every exhale I take fills the air with my nervousness. I walk quickly from the podium and out of the church into the bright summer day.

It is warm, I loosen my tie and roll up my sleeves. I look at the mountains towering over our church. Clean and shimmering in the dry summer air. I wish I were up there, in the trees, drinking snow melt.

My sister appears from inside the church, she finds me and tries to bring me in. I sit defiantly on the freshly watered grass.

I tell her that I just wanted to talk but all I could think about was Star Wars.

Another Edifying post about me!!

2006-11-29T17:20:00.000-08:00

I am 44% Punk Rock.

Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Take the
Punk Rock Test
@ FualiDotCom

I already knew this. And I did not have to take yer #@$$%$ test to find out. I don't have the Ramones vinyl but I do on tape. Now I am going to put safety pins in my ear lobes and listen to 7 seconds.

I am 51% Goth.

Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself.

Take the
Goth Test
@ FualiDotCom

Yes I "was" Goth....And I would like to point out that I was More Goth than this Idiotic test. I mean what is The Crow and why did they not ask any questions about the Hunger instead? Now I am going to put on my Bauhaus album, burn some candles and read the Raven.

Transition.

2006-10-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was in the middle of packing boxes for our big move to our wonderful new house. The wife had started her new job teaching math, so it was just me and the two littlest: the three year old and the...lets see...crawling (yes) eight month old. ( Do you get the picture one is old enough to have developed reasons for doing things (making a mess) the other just does them without thinking at all.) There I was trying to pack and I have these two rushing headlong into the land of chaos. For every little thing I packed they unpacked three or four and scattered them all about the rental.

What did I do? Well I did what any sensible parent or person would do; I joined them. When their mother came home and took them to bed I packed and moved stuff.

2006-08-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

I like babies, it's true. I suppose that is good since I am surounded by them (technically one is not a baby).
Babies are a blast to watch when they are learning to crawl, Charlie is learning to do this right now.
He sees a toy, a dried up peice of food or an electrical chord and decides (you can watch his expression change) he must have that electrical chord in his mouth. He gets all geared up and pushes himself backward, this is accompnied by all manner of squeeling and grunting. When He realizes that he is further from th electrical chord than he was when he started out, he looks up with that "please father, help me. I absolutely must have that chord in my mouth. Would you kindly pick me up and put me closer to it, so that I can experience the electrical chord more fully?" look.

At which point I pick up a suitable toy and put it within arms reach of him. This new toy becomes so exciting he has completley forgotton about the electrical chord or that great peice of dried spaghetti, whew.

2006-08-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have a baby asleep on my chest. aaah.